Letter 74: I Love You, But I'll Never Say It

When the words are just a bonus

Nov 09, 2022

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Hello dear readers,

A few months ago, I interviewed my friend, Sam Johnson, for our series on inspiring women. I asked her a question about her grandmothers and what her heritage means to her as we had talked about the subjects at length and I’d always wanted to know more. My interview questions got her thinking so deeply that she sat down and wrote the full letter you are about to read. Sam’e perspective is continually unique and thoughtful; this probably harkens back to my belief in her being an old soul. She truly has a way with words, makes me laugh at the drop of a hat, and her introspection always makes me think deeper about our world. This letter features all three of these things and more; I know our readers will clamor for more of Sam’s writing after getting this fascinating glimpse into the phrase we often take for granted.—Molly

Click play to hear Sam read today’s letter.

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There is a phenomenon in Japanese culture, where you literally never say the words “I love you” to someone. The words exist, but they’re not used in the same way as in other cultures. This fact might not come as a huge surprise, as many Asian cultures are seen as very formal, polite and free from emotions. Don’t share too much, always keep your head down, never make trouble, always work hard.... the list goes on and on.

I first came to experience this with my grandma, Nachiko. Grandma Nachiko is somewhat famous. She has several adoring fans on my Instagram account who love following along as she searches for the best items at the Asian Mart or as she poses with chopsticks while eating sushi. She is the epitome of a tiny Asian grandma, and fully embraces all stereotypes that come along with it.

Grandma Nachiko posing before her meal at our favorite sushi restaurant.

I remember the day I realized Grandma Nachiko wouldn’t repeat the words “I love you” to me after talking with her on the phone. I’m not sure why I noticed it that day, maybe I was just a bored pre-teen, but what transpired is comical, nonetheless.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon grandma! I love you!”

Her response, “Okay, bye!” click.

Hmm. That’s curious. It’s expected in American culture to say “I love you” back, but as I said, Grandma Nachiko is your stereotypical Asian grandma. Let’s see if there’s something to this. I decided I would test this out with my other Japanese grandma, Noriko, to see if this was a theme between my grandmas or something specific to Grandma Nachiko herself.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon grandma! I love you!”

Grandma Noriko’s response, “Okay, see you soon!” long pause. “Love you!” click.

Fascinating. An unnecessarily long pause, but I got a response back! To take this investigation to the next level, I went to ask my mom why Grandma Nachiko didn’t say “I love you” to me. Her response was very simple, “Japanese culture is very formal, so you just don’t say it. Grandma Noriko understands it’s American culture to say it. Grandma Nachiko probably won’t bother,” she shrugged as if it was the most obvious answer in the world and not a big deal.
Her nonchalance subsequently made it not a big deal for me either.

It’s never bothered me that my grandma won’t say the words “I love you” to me. If anything, it’s been an exercise in curiosity and being aware of how we express love to those around us without saying those exact words. My grandma tells me things like, “Never give up!” and “I’m chanting for you, for good fortune and good health.” Phrases that might not appear as meaningful as “I love you,” but they are her genuine and heartfelt feelings.

A picture we took together on her 91st birthday.

When I think of my Grandma Nachiko, I am reminded there are a million ways to show someone you love them without words. Think of the Five Love Languages Quiz, the big grand gesture at the end of romantic comedies, the small things the people in our lives do for us without us ever asking. Sometimes these actions come along with the words “I love you,” and sometimes they don’t. The value and impact can be of equal or greater value all the same.

If you’ve made it to the end of this letter, I hope you know how loved you are. I hope you know that love can sound and look like many different things, and that we are constantly receiving and giving love in our daily lives, if only we take a few moments to reflect and allow ourselves to be aware of it. The words “I love you” are a bonus, but definitely not required.

Nina Coomes beautifully describes her experience with this in her article, “愛してる (Aishiteru): How to Say “I Love You” When the Language Doesn’t Exist.” If you’d like a more comedic take, check out this short (yet hilarious) clip from the Asian Not Asian Podcast.

Sam’s 5 Favorite Things:

Sapporo Ichiban Ramen: I’m not picky about a lot of things, but instant ramen is one of them! There are a million different options, but this brand is my go-to. My favorite flavors are their miso and original.
Cocokind: I swear by these products, and I’ve gotten all my friends hooked too! I love this company’s transparency, and it’s founded by an Asian woman. Some of my favorite products are their serums and sleep mask. My sister loves their texture smoothing cream.
Favorite Peloton Ride: My sister and I love Ally Love’s BLACKPINK ride on Peloton. We’ve both done it a million times, and you’re guaranteed to have a great time while sweating it out. She’s got a great BTS ride that we enjoy too.
Little Leaf Ink: My good friend Briana just made the leap to pursue her small business full time! I’ve had the pleasure of being gifted many of her lovely watercolor pieces throughout the year, and I’m thrilled she’s sharing them with the world now!
Disaster Preparedness: I would be remiss by not sharing some emergency and disaster preparedness resources with you all! My first recommendation is to download the Red Cross Emergency App (for your safety’s sake!) and my second is to watch some of our fun animated videos! Everything is available in English and Spanish, with something for all ages!