Letter 48: Removing the "Shoulds"
Letter 48: Removing the "Shoulds"
When your own timeline is beautiful
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Happy Wednesday, Everyone!
Wedding and shower season are upon us in full force. Perhaps it’s the sunnier weather or the promise of longer days; but whatever it is, this time of year our social calendars seem chalk-full of new beginnings. And while many of us look forward to these events, they can often highlight potentially mixed emotions about cultural, gendered pressures.
I’m so thankful that Sarah Sheppard shares this week about her own walk through her 20s and how she places her own needs above the weight of ever-changing societal norms. I was fortunate enough to be Sarah’s high school English teacher and I still remember her shining, hopeful face each day in class. And for those of us who’ve experienced high school, we know that’s not necessarily an easy feat. Sarah has always been a glass-half-full kind of person. While I’ve known her, Sarah has been a force for good, positive about challenges set before her, and a woman who consistently leads with her heart. She was one of those students who would ask the teachers, “How are you today?” and genuinely care about the answer. I know Sarah’s musings here today will strike a chord with many of our readers finding their own ways through this interesting maze we call life. —Molly
“I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her.”
Rupi Kaur
Two smiling faces stare up at me through lovestruck eyes, beckoning me to attend the celebration that locks them together for life. I smile at this piece of paper that gives me a very small glimpse into their sweet future and flip to the next piece of mail.
Another wedding invite.
Two more smiling faces that I haven’t seen in person in far too long, the words “You’re Invited” penned neatly at the top.
And the next piece of mail?
A save the date for a wedding to take place next year.
I always knew the time would come, that we would grow up, get jobs, have weddings, start families, and do all the things we’re supposed to do. But despite knowing (and believing) it would happen, I still am surprised when I hear the words, “My friend is getting married this weekend,” or “Sure, I’d love to come to the engagement dinner,” tumble off my tongue.
Similarly to my mailbox housing multiple wedding invites, my Instagram feed overflows with diamond rings, white dresses, “I love you’s”, and those same lovestruck eyes, and while my heart sings with joy to see my friends find love and happiness, I simultaneously find myself feeling… gulp… behind.
As a single, very independent 20-something year old woman, I despise this feeling for many reasons but particularly because it’s illogical. Enter the cliché as old as time: We’re all on our own journey, with our own timeline.
Ah, timelines. That’s the interesting thing about becoming an adult; we spend the entirety of our youth on a similar journey to our friends and peers, only to slowly enter a different chapter or a completely new story upon growing up. No two stories are the same, and yet I know I’m not alone in my feelings of behindness, or that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
To cap it all off, these feelings don’t actually reflect what I want for myself during this period of life; ironic, isn’t it?
So, then, the question begs to be asked — why are we as a society so consumed by fulfilling major milestones by a certain age? Why do we place so much pressure on young people, particularly women, to fall in love?
As an inherently curious human, my brain naturally spirals into a series of other questions surrounding the pressures placed on women, from the mundaneness of our looks to the complexities of our feelings. Our youth is glorified and we’re only interesting if we’re pretty or in love.
But I know, and you do, too, that we as women are far more than meets the eye. The pressure we feel to look, behave, or love in a certain way is nothing but noise. And in my (albeit, novice) experience as an adult, I’ve learned that ignoring the noise and creating my timeline as I go is the greatest form of rebellion.
We’ve all heard the phrases “March to the beat of your own drum,” “Do you!” and, of course, “Live life on your own terms.” The words carry little prominence until we put them into action; but action is where the magic happens.
It’s easy to be consumed by cultural expectations, and the feeling of behindness is universal. In so many facets of life, I look around to see what everyone else is doing, where they’re going, how much they’re making, and so on and so forth, without actually caring what I’m doing or what I want to do.
And that is when I realize, despite it being the oldest cliché in the book, that I’m on my own timeline.
So let’s ditch the notion of what we “should” do and instead live our lives in accordance with what we want to do.
The moment you begin to believe that your timeline is beautiful, wonderful, and the ultimate truth, is the moment life becomes a little more fun and a little more whimsical. And what is life without a little whim? Sure, I may sound like a naive optimist but I’d rather be that than bogged down by societal expectations.
Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be living life as I please and counting down the days until I get to hit the dance floor at all those weddings, knowing that my timeline is just that—mine.
Sarah’s Five Favorite Things
One of my favorite podcasts is Thick & Thin! Host Katy Bellotte refers to it as a “spoken diary” in which she shares experiences from her life as a millennial in New York City. What makes this podcast especially unique, however, is that she weaves in stories from history; from the fascinating life of Josephine Baker to the history of happy hours, this is the perfect pod for the romantic history buff.
My favorite place to shop for jewelry is Ana Luisa! It’s sustainable and affordable, and they have the perfect everyday pieces. I’m obsessed (Sorry, bank account!)
Spring is upon us and I always need something to keep my lips fresh and moisturized. Enter Dior Addict Lip Glow. It gives hydration and color!
We’re Not Really Strangers is the Instagram account I cannot get enough of at the moment. It hits ya right in your feels, in the best way.
During the first lockdown, I learned how to make the ultimate matcha latte but my newest obsession is an iced London fog. I make them every morning (or treat myself to one at the local coffee shop). *Chef’s kiss*
With gratitude,
Sarah Sheppard
P.S. What “shoulds” have you released? How did they set you free? Share with us below in the comments.
Beautiful!