Letter 86: Making a World that Fits Women

When we re-enter the workforce ~ Women's Work Series #3 , Emily Paine Smith

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Happy Wednesday and welcome to the third week of our Women’s Work series!

Here’s a bit of background on the series from my intro to our first letter of the series:

Molly and I asked several women to share their insights about their impressions and experiences with work for our third TLC series! 

The derogatory term “women’s work” describes work that is typically relegated to women, including housework and childrearing, but teaching and nursing are also often included within the phrase. When Molly and I were crafting this series, I thought about how important it was to flip some of the societal expectations of women who work inside and outside our homes on its head. Why is “women’s work” degraded? Because it is deemed unimportant. But nothing is further from the truth. As women, it is incredibly important for us to reinforce the idea that what we do matters. Our work matters to our families, to our communities, and—most of all—it matters to us.

Today, I’m so honored to share some of my thoughts on my (meandering) career path. I loved this exercise! Here we go… —Emily

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Click play to hear Emily read today’s letter.

“Don't think about making women fit the world—think about making the world fit women.”

Gloria Steinem

What messages were you sent as a young woman that your work, career, or job equates with success, happiness, or fulfillment? 

I am so thankful that even as a young woman I internalized the message that I would go to college—it wasn’t a question—and that I could pursue any profession I desired. The downside of that message was that I didn’t quite catch the nuance of not letting my career become my identity. In my youth and even into adulthood, I conflated my career with my self-worth, and it led me into a bit of an identity crisis in my twenties. I majored in English literature, but I wanted to edit and eventually write, which is a difficult career track without pursuing an M.F.A. or moving to New York, San Francisco, or London. Looking back, I realize that I wanted two things: comfort and stability AND a career that lent me notoriety and a sense of significance. I had confused a self-defined “important” career path with fulfillment. 

Perhaps that internal conflict is the Enneagram 4 in me (it definitely is), but one of the best things that happened to me was listening to my heart and going back to the basics of what I loved. After a few years in a job I hated, I knew I needed a change. I recalled my passion for literature and concluded that teaching would be the best fit for me, at least for the time being. I subbed for a year while I completed my post-grad teacher training and landed a position for the following school year at my alma mater. While I was thankful, accepting the position was a humbling experience: I felt as though I was taking a few steps backward teaching at the same high school from which I had graduated. I remember thinking, “Won’t these teachers and administrators think less of me for returning to teach? Will they think I never did anything with my life?” But nothing could have been further from the truth! I am so thankful I landed where I did at exactly the right time. I learned about friendship, classroom management, and literature from wonderful colleagues; I went on to earn my Master’s degree while I taught; and my job included teaching exceptional kids about life-changing literature. Not too shabby!

Teaching was incredibly difficult, especially in those early years, but those years were foundational for shaping me into who I am today. (I wrote about my friendships with my incredible English department colleagues in my letter as part of our Friendship Series last year, if you’d like to read more about that!)

All of my teacher pics are from Howdy Week lol

Howdy Week Hogwarts squad ✨

My career has since pivoted again—another change for which I am also thankful. But my greatest takeaway from that season of my life is that my job isn’t who I am and my worth isn’t tied to my profession. In fact, by trying something new and letting go of my expectations for myself, I was able to grow and become a better version of myself. 

When I was in high school, my mom returned to the workforce, and I really admire her for that. She worked for U.S. Airways (R.I.P.), which provided her with flexible hours and incredible travel benefits for our family. By watching her, I learned that work could be fun and could adapt to my current life stage rather than be limited to a traditional role.

After more than two years of being a full-time stay-at-home mom, I was so ready to re-enter the workforce, but I wanted to do it on my terms. Teaching wrung me out emotionally (stories for another day) and required so much of me, so I knew that it wouldn’t be a great fit while my daughter is a toddler. It has been a dream come true to work alongside my friends as we launch four new businesses in the heart of Fort Worth. They are supportive and flexible in their expectations, and I love being able to collaborate with them! 

My dear friends (and co-workers!), Lisa and Esther 💕

In what ways do you believe work and gender are connected?

Of course work and gender are connected, and unfortunately, I mostly see the negative aspects of that connection in America. I have experienced discrepancies with the pay gap, as well as poor treatment because I am a woman. Madison covered this really well in last week’s letter, so I won’t rehash the monetary disparities that exist.

Before I pursued teaching, I worked in marketing and experienced casual and rampant sexism and sexual harassment. Thankfully (but also revoltingly) the sexism I experienced was more within the realm of pervy questions and comments rather than anything that crossed over into the physical; however, I’m more shocked and disgusted thinking back on these interactions now than I was at the time. I’m so glad our culture has seen a shift in expectations of men in the workplace and that we are holding them accountable. Is the system perfect? By no means! But should middle-aged men who ask their 22-year-old colleagues their bra size be called out? Um, yes. Additionally, I can’t tell you the number of times in which a man wouldn’t speak to me but would speak with my husband instead. It’s a weird feeling. I’d like to give those men the benefit of a doubt, but when it happens repeatedly it’s hard to ignore or gloss over.

There are aspects of this disparity that I didn’t quite grasp until I became a parent to a daughter, but my biggest takeaway is that I never want my daughter to feel less than because of her gender. She is a human first and foremost, and if anyone makes her feel as though she isn’t worthy of respect because she is a woman, that is someone who doesn’t deserve her time. I want to model for my daughter what it means to command respect and how to turn away with dignity from someone if I don’t receive it. Part of that process is having strong boundaries for myself in my interactions with others, and another part of it is having my own self-worth and identity in check. If I seek validation from pleasing others, my identity is always in flux. I have found freedom in letting go of others’ expectations! 

Image via GoodLives

What are your thoughts on anti-hustle culture?

I am here for it! I loathe the notion that our lives should revolve around our jobs. It is criminal. Does that mean we shouldn’t work hard? Nope. But we should have seasons of hard work and seasons of rest. We should be able to have the luxury of enjoying our lives rather than being tied to a desk. Thinking of quiet quitting? Do it! Perhaps the “anti-hustle” movement is borne out of burnout, and simply doing your job should be the standard. Draw and fortify your boundaries around work and play and don’t look back.

What are your hopes for yourself in terms of your career?

I am fortunate to have a lot of flexibility in my career choice at the moment, helping my dear friends start four new businesses in the heart of Fort Worth. My desire for my career is to work with and for other women. I am grateful that my career has taken place alongside such strong and inspirational women. 

With gratitude,

Emily Smith

P.S. Here are a few of my past letters, including being nice vs. being kind and having fewer, better friendships.