Letter 3: Nice vs. Kind
When our hearts are full of love
“Then Your Heart is Full of Love”
by Josie Carey Franz & Fred Rogers
When your heart has butterflies inside it,
Then your heart is full of love.
When your heart feels just like overflowing,
Then your heart is full of love.Love is fragile as your tears.
Love is stronger than your fears.When your heart can sing another's gladness,
Then your heart is full of love.
When your heart can cry another's sadness,
Then your heart is full of love.When your heart beats for a special someone,
Then your heart is full of love.
When your heart has room for everybody,
Then your heart is full of love.
In last week’s letter, Molly shared about finding “one person” with whom to connect when we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory. This rang true for me as I was a military kid; my family moved frequently and finding one person in a class or at lunch was a lifeline for those uncertain, uncomfortable days in a new school. When I enrolled in a large state university, it brought back similar anxieties about finding a potentially inclusive friend or a group.
Enter Katie.
She was my one person. We were friends as soon as we met. Somehow, it was just that easy for us then; and in some ways, it has never been that easy again.
We live in different states now, but we are still intentional about making time to connect, encouraging one another, and even traveling together. Just a few weeks ago we each drove halfway, meeting in Arkansas with our spouses and kids in tow for the weekend. We rented an Airbnb on the lake with plans to slow down, stay put, and simply visit.
As Katie and I caught up, we talked about everything from the mundane to the important, and naturally, we got around to the topic of motherhood. We agreed we both had a desire to be intentional and present in our parenting, but Katie, who has both a son and a daughter, mentioned that raising a girl can be more complex.
Now that I have a daughter, I’ve noticed that socially, maybe especially in the South, that there are unspoken standards for girls about appropriate behaviors and acceptable interactions with both genders. Girls are expected to be nice, pleasant, and unassuming. We should smile, say hello, and make small talk with strangers. At. All. Times.
I’ve continued to mull over how I can best raise my daughter, and while I agree that being nice or pleasant is a commendable attribute, I want my daughter to know that she is loved and valued despite her adherence to social norms. Her worth goes beyond how others may perceive her. I want my daughter to be smart, secure, confident, and uninhibited. But more so, I don’t want her to be beholden to anyone else’s ideas of what she should be. While I want her to be nice, more importantly, I want her to be genuine and offer niceness when she feels safe to do so.
It is here, I believe, that a shift in my parenting must occur. My daughter looks to me to lead her. If I believe that these social norms are empty, then I must be willing to model for her a more meaningful value than mere niceness. It is not simply the opposite of being nice; rather, it is more expansive. The true opposite of niceness is kindness.
Since “nice” and “kind” are terms that many use interchangeably, I find it valuable to separate them into two distinct ideas. Jessica Stillman’s definitions for the two terms in this article are helpful:
“While it's certainly not a bad thing to be polite and avoid unnecessarily ruffling feathers, being nice doesn't go very deep. It's a smile and hello without any action (or maybe true feeling) to back it up. Kindness actually helps, even though it may do so gruffly.”
I’ve noticed this separation of these two values in my own life. I find that when I try to be pleasant, the focus may be more on myself and how I might be perceived rather than giving my total attention to the other person. To be nice is social grace in the moment; to be kind is to see beyond the moment and offer real connection and empathy. Genuine kindness can include being nice, but more importantly, it is taking care of another’s needs. Kindness, then, is love.
The Mister Rogers song at the top of this piece nails this principle. Love is “fragile,” he sings, but it is also strong. A kind heart is a loving heart, expansive, with room enough for everyone. Growing in kindness is a process, but this growth, for myself and for my daughter, is well worth my time.
My 5 Favorites
My husband Chris and I love to watch movies. A stand-out this year has been Another Round, a Danish film that on the surface is about alcohol consumption but does a deep dive into what living a full life requires of us. Loved it.
I am perpetually conflicted about being a mom to a baby with grabby hands and having long hair. How can I be both comfortably? (Haha) I have two sets of these inexpensive, pretty hair clips so I can keep one within arm’s reach in basically every room I might find myself.
Easy meals are my favorite--the fewer the steps, the better. Roast chicken feels fancy, which can also feel intimidating. This NYT cast iron roast chicken recipe is a winner. It’s only three steps and requires four ingredients, including the chicken.
Last week’s comment from my former student Anna resonated with me. We can all relate to feeling out of place, and those first few weeks at a new school are the epitome of that “fish out of water” feeling. She and her two closest friends at an out-of-state college were “meant to be each other’s people. She wrote, “We bonded so quickly over our shared ‘transplant-ness’ and have been close ever since.”
I found this moisturizing Klei facial oil at my friend Esther’s boutique Gifted, and it has been a game-changer in my nightly routine for my dry skin. I love it so much that I’ve recently gifted it to a few friends. Truly luxurious!
“Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”
Maya Angelou
With gratitude,
Emily
P.S. What act of kindness have you experienced recently? Did this feel different than simply being nice?
I love this so much!! Our time living together is seriously one of the best times of my life. You showed me so many little kindnesses. Sharing clothes and working out together are two that stick out to me- you shared your stuff and your time. And that is important.
My husband Jacob shows me so much kindness by simply paying attention. Recently he surprised me with three wall posters of my favorite children's books for my office. It was random and unprompted and really showed me he was paying attention and cares!