Letter 109: The Productivity Paradox
When we choose rest
Welcome! This weekly email newsletter is a place where women spanning all ages share their sense of identity and their awareness of our world through personal narrative. Stories shared here come from writers across many generations, cultures, locations, and ethnicities.
It’s TLC Wednesday!
Nadine and I have been talking lately about the American urge to be productive at all times. The push to never stop, to always do more, be more, produce more, more, more. Has this topic come up with your people as well? I turn to Nadine to talk about the pressures of productivity because she has very much hit the pause button before and I wanted to know more about what that time in her life looked like. I thought it would be helpful for us all to hear about how she found the strength to say “stop.” As with all of Nadine’s letters, she’s an excellent teacher. She continues to be a lighthouse for me and for others, even though she would be the last one to admit it.—Molly
Whoever coined the term “lifelong learning” was clearly thinking of me. Daily, I fight the little voice in my head that tells me I should be doing something.
All. The. Time.
Is this nature? Nurture? A cultural thing? A societal thing?
My husband, who has known me since I was 19-years-old, points out that I’m unable to sit and do nothing. Or even just sit and do one thing. And he is right. If I’m watching a show, I am always doing something else while I’m watching — folding laundry, paying the bills, loading the dishwasher, writing a piece for TLC. And I imagine that the majority of you reading this can relate.
I remember being little and waking up to the sound of my mom, the stereotypical “tiger mom,” loudly sweeping the kitchen floor…brush, brush, brush, pound, pound, pound, brush, brush, pound, POUND, POUND. The sounds got louder until I’d get out of bed.
My dad had his own way to ensure I wasn’t being lazy, as he constantly told me to get my hands out of my pockets. I can’t remember ever being idle in our house, at least not when I was in the line of sight or within hearing distance from either of my parents.
Growing up like this led me to believe that the push to be productive was either a nurture thing and/or a cultural thing because when I went to my friends’ houses, they didn’t seem to have the same productivity demands that came from my much older parents.
And now, because women everywhere, at least in North America, no matter their age or cultural backgrounds, are struggling to be continually productive, to show that they are adding value, it’s a wonder that more women aren’t crashing and burning.
Because I certainly did.
It happened for me after I’d been in the workforce for twenty years.
My dad had died a year earlier from stroke-related dementia. As an only child, my mom leaned on me.
The year after my dad died, I attended five funerals for people around my age.
My husband and I were raising a teenage son.
I managed a huge budget at a job that was constantly in question due to continual layoffs.
I remember saying that I was becoming so negative I was sick of being around myself.
I felt numb. Everything made me cry. Nothing made me laugh.
After six months of continual overwhelm, regardless of my productivity, I still didn’t feel that I added value.
I still remember the day: I drove home and called HR: “I’m not going in tomorrow. Or the next day. And probably not for a lot of days after that.”
I called my doctor, yelling at the receptionist when she didn’t respond to my sense of urgency.
I didn’t talk very much to my family in the beginning. I found a psychologist and met with her three days a week. All I could manage was to get our son to school and get myself to therapy. The rest of the time, I simply rested, did my therapy homework, and rested some more.
I am aware of the privilege I had to even be able to consider taking that time off. It is not lost on me that many people, especially women, would not have that choice without sacrificing something that would impact not only their own livelihood, but that of their family. And that is a huge problem, but one that I am not addressing in this piece.
What I can address is what I learned during those six months.
Most importantly, resting is productive. And while this is easy to say (remember the part about me being a “lifelong learner?”), actually resting is something else entirely. For me, it's been a journey, and the journey never ends.
The other thing I learned speaks to my continual push to be the perfect _____ (fill in the blank).
Always looking busy, or trying to be productive, or adding value was perhaps my way of being seen as the perfect employee or daughter when I should have been asking for help, or setting boundaries and saying no to projects I couldn’t do nor had the time for. This surely would have allowed me to avoid the crash and burn scenario.
My last big lesson is that you cannot control other people’s behavior. You have to let their issues be their issues. Even when it seems personal, it’s usually not. They can point fingers and cast aspersions, but not unlike me yelling at the receptionist at my doctor’s office, my irritation had nothing to do with her.
The following are a few reasons why some women, specifically, might feel societal pressure regarding rest:
Gender Expectations: Historically, women are expected to fulfill traditional roles as caregivers and homemakers. These expectations have evolved over time, but remnants of them can still influence societal attitudes. In some cases, there may be pressure on women to be constantly productive or self-sacrificing, making it difficult for them to prioritize rest without feeling guilty or judged.
Workforce Dynamics: Women often face challenges in the workforce, including the gender pay gap and unequal career advancement opportunities. In some cases, women may feel pressure to work extra hours or take on more responsibilities to prove themselves in traditionally male-dominated fields.
Motherhood and Family Responsibilities: Balancing work and family life can be particularly challenging for women who are mothers. They may feel societal pressure to be supermoms, juggling multiple responsibilities without taking breaks. This does not even address those women who are raising families by themselves.
Media Influence: Media, including social media, can perpetuate certain stereotypes and expectations. Images of successful women who appear to have it all—whatever that means—may create unrealistic ideals and pressures for others.
Attitudes and expectations are evolving, and in general, many people are actively working to challenge and change traditional gender norms, family structure, and expectations.
The bottom-line is that rest and self-care are essential for everyone's well-being, regardless of gender identity or family dynamic, and promoting a healthier work-life balance is beneficial for us all.
Nadine’s 5 Favorite Things for Rest:
Most of you have heard of white noise, but have you tried brown noise? For me, it’s much more soothing and not as harsh sounding and irritating as white noise can be. It’s an instant relaxer for me. Find it anywhere you stream music or podcasts.
Starry Eyes self-warming eye masks: An excellent way to ease into sleep, relieve headaches or simply calm your eyes after staring at a screen all day. Find them on Amazon.
By rubbing lavender essential oils on your feet before bed is a natural and effective way to calm your system and make your room smell good. I use the doTerra brand but whatever brand you choose be sure it’s high quality.
The book, The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz has four simple agreements we make with ourselves to advocate for freedom from self-limiting beliefs which bring suffering and limitation to one's life. Find it on Amazon.
I may have listed this before and if I haven’t, others have, but I enjoy following Anne Helen Petersen’s blog, Culture Study (find her on Substack) so much. She had a fantastic piece this Sunday called “Are You In the Portal?” which I think will speak to so many of you.
With gratitude,
Nadine Rosendin
P.S. Nadine has also shared about prioritizing herself and the complication of being the “other.”
