Letter 91: Learning to Prioritize Ourselves
When we set boundaries
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Happy mid-April, everyone!
I’ve shared here before about my friend, Nadine, and how she is my go-to for many a quandary. It turns out, she’s that person for so many others (no big surprise there!). She opens up in today’s letter about what it means to be a listening ear for so many others and how it has forced her to learn and practice her own boundary-setting.
I was so thankful she chose to share this topic for today’s letter because I know that boundaries are hard for many of us, and it’s important for us to know that we aren’t alone in trying to set and maintain them. Just think what the world would be like if we all prioritized self-care and use healthy boundaries. Let’s commit to what Nadine suggests below and see what happens. It’s worth a shot. —Molly
Click below to listen to Nadine read her letter:
Can I be brutally honest with you (people who I don’t even know) for a hot minute? I’m struggling to find balance, and I know I can’t be the only one.
At almost 60 years old, one would think, and many would assume, I’d have my shit together by now. And there are days when I feel like I’m about 80% there, but then get knocked way off center by things like whack-a-do politicians or a good friend’s cancer diagnosis or a worldwide pandemic or witnessing these out-of-control culture wars or seeing human beings KILL other human beings because of their own hate and rage.
I am the person many of my friends turn to when they are off balance. I am the one that appears to be the centered one, the calm one, the rock. But the truth is that while I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing all the hurts and worries and traumas of my friends and my own, the compartments are now officially overflowing with the continual firehose of sewage coming in.
As an enneagram 9, the peacemaker, I like to maintain my peace of mind just as much as ensuring peace and harmony is happening in the world. However, what I struggle with is a sense of my own identity—especially during times when I’m overwhelmed—so during these chaotic times I tend to pick up whatever emotional baggage “my people” are throwing down.
With all the divisiveness in the world right now, you might be able to imagine the upheaval that is happening in my peacemaker brain trying to make order of all of it. The urge to try to FIX everything is palpable, even knowing logically that it’s not possible to “fix” others, nor is it mine TO fix.
In Tricia Dewey’s TLC Letter 81: Traveling in the Historyverse, she ends her piece with a simple, “We are all connected.” And indeed we are. It’s such a blessing in one sense and a curse in another—which is why I find myself in a full stumble, arms out, bracing for impact. The question is where will I land?
Do I give up and land in the mud to wallow in codependency, attempting to fix the world at the expense of my own sanity? Or, do I make the effort to tuck and roll and land on the grass where I will make the effort to set boundaries for myself and accept support from those same people that I’ve been trying to help?
I do know that I am my own worst enemy, bringing much of this on myself. I admit that I like being perceived as the balanced, centered, strong one. I like to pretend I’m unaffected when people use me as a sounding board. I like hearing that I’m such a good listener.
But while those things are true, what I’ve also done is taught you how to treat me.
I’ve taught you that I don’t need to be listened to. That I don’t have limitations on my ability to be your therapist and I never need emotional support. Which in turn makes me your worst enemy because I become resentful that now you’re not picking up what I’m throwing down.
There is an obvious answer, of course. It is easy to see and slightly more difficult to implement.
Taking responsibility for my own actions means I have to acknowledge that I am not a blameless victim. I cannot control the behavior of others, nor can I fix their thinking or beliefs. If only.
What I can do is set boundaries for myself and others if the situation warrants them; and kindly communicate these boundaries, especially to those who will be affected by them.
I can stop judging. Judgment is simply the ego puffing itself up and is ever so sneaky in finding ways in. Those judgy words coming out of my mouth to say more about me than the intended recipient.
And I can be present with my own feelings and emotions. It’s okay to FEEL. I don’t always have to be the strong one.
I’m guessing there are a few others out there who are holding up problems that are not their own and are completely numb to their own issues. Ironically, I give this advice a lot, perhaps I should start following it myself: Place the mask on yourself first BEFORE assisting others.
Balance and peace don’t come from smoothing everything over. Everyone needs boundaries and sometimes those come with a proverbial hip-check - it’s not painful but it might cause some noticeable discomfort. In the end, though, everyone knows where they firmly stand. Peacefully in balance.
Two suggestions to help find your balance:
Follow @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram. A recent post on how to heal:
1st step - (big step) is an awareness that you’re even in this cycle of co-dependency
2nd - start setting clear boundaries
3rd - practice sitting/being with yourself in small amounts each day
4th - support the body: proper sleep, nutrition, and movement that feel good
Take a multi-day break from social and news media (even though I just suggested a social media site to follow) from time to time. Trust me, if there’s actual news you need to be aware of, you’ll be notified.
Nadine’s Five Favorite Things:
I allow myself a couple of little personal luxuries every month and one is getting my nails done. If you haven’t tried a dip powder “manicure,” you might consider it if you like the look of manicured nails that are impossibly strong and long-lasting. Mine last between 4-6 weeks. I go to Ascend Nail Lounge in Maple Valley, Washington.
Dragon boat paddling. I discovered this most popular unknown sport a little over 10 years ago and have been hooked ever since. This is a sport where everyone is an athlete. Some people paddle for exercise only and others for the fierce competition. Whatever is your liking, search for a club near you or I’d be happy to help you find a club! I belong to the Kent Dragon Boat Association in Washington State. Join us!
I’m a Mary Englebreit fan (see above!). I love her happy colorful art full of flowers, polka dots, and checkers with arms akimbo girls speaking out with positive but always a little snarky advice (her Engeldark series quite often speaks to me, as well).
I am probably the most barefooted collector of socks you will meet. My two current faves are Bombas for their super comfy, supportive fit and no-questions free replacement policy; and BlueQ because knowing I have their sassy, potty-mouth blurbs of hilarity on my feet makes me happy.
When I travel I get lazy about my makeup routine opting for moisturizer or sunscreen, hoping I can find one that has both. My new fave is Australian Gold Botanical SPF 50 Tinted Sunscreen in medium tan which also provides nice coverage. It isn’t greasy, it provides just enough coverage, blends well, and is really inexpensive on Amazon.
In gratitude,
Nadine Rosendin
P.S. As you can tell, Nadine is full of wisdom. See her other letters here, here, and here which have the same great insights as she shared above.
