Letter 64: More Alike Than Different
When we ask more questions ~ Limitless Women Series #4, Nadine
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Happy Last Day of August!
Today is a perfect day to finish our series on Inspiring Women. You can see the earlier sections here:
Part One: Sam showed us that our younger generation will lead us well.
Part Two: Ruthy shared with us about community and where we place our value.
Part Three: Ashley
And now, I am thrilled to welcome back Nadine for our penultimate installment of the series. Nadine has spent much of this summer traveling and seeing our world. Throughout my relationship with Nadine, I’ve been lucky enough to have heard about much of the world and its people through her eyes. People are drawn to her, her wisdom, and her guidance. And I’m thankful that she can be our country’s ambassador. Her core devotion to social justice and equity has inspired me to see that no matter our age, we can all make a difference. I’m honored to share more of her goodness here today. —Molly
What are your three keys to a healthy marriage?
After ample contemplation, I would say that these are the things that have made our 40-year relationship work for us:
Prioritize your relationship. Our son was important, certainly our responsibility, and often our focus; but we believed that in the end, we were the ones who would (hopefully) be growing old together. If we did our job correctly–and I think we did–we would raise our son to be an independent, conscientious, and contributing member of society with an understanding that he had parents who were committed to each other and to him. We have seen too many couples who spent 18+ years neglecting each other with the seemingly good intention of raising their children only to realize that they were living with a stranger when their children left home.
Don’t fight to be right. Every relationship will have disagreements, but sometimes the arguments continue just so there is a winner or because one of the participants insists on proving their point. Stop it. Take a beat. That advice about counting to 10 (or 20 or 100 in my case) is sound. Actively listen to what your partner is saying instead of thinking about how you’re right and they’re wrong or what your comeback will be. It’s possible that even if you ARE right, there is a portion of what your partner is saying that may have caused this eruption in the first place.
Choose to be constructive. If you have a beef with your partner, maybe don’t choose the middle of an argument to bring it up. Choose a time when everything and everyone is neutral so the feedback will be more constructive instead of critical. No one likes to feel scolded.
What are two lessons you’ve learned in raising a son?
Our culture loves to put people into categories—race and gender are two that immediately come to mind—and with those categories, there are certain things that have customarily been identified as gender-specific. Colors, for example, have been separated into “girl colors,” “boy colors,” and those that are deemed “neutral.” In reality, they are simply colors. Who says boys can’t wear pink? It is an amalgamation of red and white, two completely neutral colors. My son happens to look amazing in pink and my granddaughter looks fantastic in blue. Who cares? The same stereotyping happens for toys as well. Why can’t your son play with a doll? Would it really hurt the males in our society to learn nurturing or emotional skills from an early age? I’ve learned that the more we try to force these artificial gender stereotypes or identifying labels onto our sons, the more therapy they’ll need later. Let them pick what they want and keep your agenda and ego in check. It is likely that they will change their minds 100 times before the week’s end, so I’ve found that it’s best to be flexible and not take our children’s choices so personally.
I don’t know if this is boy-specific, but our son was a wiggle worm and had a hard time paying attention for long periods of time. What we found helped was allowing one extra-curricular activity each season, which meant we didn’t over-schedule his time. We always allowed time for playing outside and prioritized free play with activities that weren’t organized. While good grades were important, they weren’t everything. Learning something should take priority over the grade. We made sure to give him manageable choices and responsibilities (i.e., we would make sure to give him only two instructions at a time because he would become overwhelmed and forget everything.) As our son matured, he could see that these strategies worked for him. We taught him to advocate for himself and to ask the adults around him for what he needed. We instilled in him that asking for help didn't mean he was weak or that he wasn’t smart; rather, it simply meant that he went about things in a way that most people didn’t and he would need to let others know.
What was it like for you to lose your parents?
I’ve said many times that raising parents is so much harder than raising kids. No matter how old you are, your parents never stop being your parents–even when they really need to be parented. This role reversal is difficult, and when egos, emotions, and family history are involved, it can make for some interesting times.
I was quite close to my parents, especially my dad. My dad was active, strong, and still had no gray hair until he started having strokes at 74. His stroke-related dementia finally did him in, and he died eight years later. It’s been said that dementia is the best disease for the patient because they don’t really know how terrible things are for them, but it is truly the worst for the family to go through because they do know how terrible it is. It was really hard on my mom to try to care for my dad for the first few years, and then she carried so much guilt when she had to move him into a care facility. It really was a difficult time for all of us.
Four years later, my mom, who was as tough as they come, went into a routine doctor appointment one day and ended up in the hospital diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. She died six weeks later.
I miss both my mom and dad every single day, and even though it’s been almost eighteen years, there are times when I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone to call them.
Tell me about your deep passion for social justice issues.
If I have a regret in this life, it’s that I didn’t ask more questions of my parents when they were alive. Like many people of their generation (my dad was born in 1922 and my mom in 1927), they didn’t necessarily talk about their past and definitely not about the struggles or challenges they faced (and certainly not when it came to social justice issues).
While they didn’t necessarily articulate their experiences verbally, I do think I inherited my values around social justice from my parents. They were an interracial couple married at the beginning of the civil rights movement when interracial marriage still wasn’t legal in many states. They lived in several Navy towns throughout their lives for work, and because World War II was a recent memory, the fact that my mother was Japanese (albeit Japanese-American) caused tremendous challenges for them in those early years.
In hindsight, I can see that they attempted to shield me from the prejudices they faced. It didn’t work, of course, but I don’t fault them for trying. I’m just sorry that I didn’t have the foresight, introspection, maturity, or wisdom to really get to know that part of their lives while I had the opportunity.
Additionally, there were a few pivotal moments in my early life that stand out and likely informed the trajectory of my life. Each of these experiences profoundly impacted my development around social justice issues, and in some ways caused me to choose some of the areas I focus my volunteer work today.
When I started fourth grade (this was 1972–within a decade of the civil rights movement), a school in one of the low-income housing neighborhoods in our city closed and those students came to our school. From my nine-year-old perspective, I think that most of the kids in my school were white, while the new kids who came to our school were all black. I don’t remember that there was any preparation to integrate these schools, much less these students, I just know that we showed up to school on the first day and there were a lot of new kids. In those days, most of us had been going to school with the same group of kids since kindergarten, so for our two schools to be merged together without any discussion or preparation was nothing short of chaotic.
The miniseries Roots was broadcast on network television in 1977. My family and I watched all eight episodes in absolute silence except for the occasional sniffles that escaped from each of us. I recall thinking how horrible human beings could be and how incredibly resilient others are, but I most strongly remember having a horrible feeling about the injustice people inflicted on others based solely on their skin tone. That same pit in my stomach has never changed and usually lets me know when something isn’t right and needs attention.
While I was in high school in the late 1970s, I dated a young man who was African American for several months, which forced me to encounter some of the prejudice that my friend experienced on a daily basis. The comments from complete strangers on the street in those days were rude and unfiltered, and they made me wonder about what comments parents received as an interracial couple after WWII.
In college, I started dating a man who is Mexican American (the man I would eventually marry). Interestingly, we didn’t get as many comments even though it wasn’t that many years later. I believe this was because both of our ethnicities were ambiguous enough to not elicit attention.
You are the strong, silent type. Where does that come from?
Several years ago I might have said that this trait came from my father, as he was definitely described as the strong, silent type. However, as I’ve become more aware of my own cultural upbringing, and if I’m being brutally honest with myself, I think I inherited many of the so-called “model minority characteristics” that come with being raised by a Japanese-American mother of her generation: be seen, not heard; always be on your best behavior; don’t make problems for people; work hard; don’t complain.
While those behaviors are all fine in and of themselves, they can become a problem when others perceive you as weak or when it pits you, the “model minority,” against other minority groups to somehow prove that they are not being treated unfairly, but just not working hard enough.
If you’ve watched the news at all within the past two years, you have probably seen the rise in violent attacks against Asian people. It is my belief that this spike in violent crime is a result of what I’ve just described: Asians are seen as weak–we won’t complain or make any trouble. Because those of us (mainly within the older generations) have been given the “status” as the “model minority” by those at the highest caste in American society and we have embraced it, we have become invisible and silent.
You are an avid traveler. What are three things you’ve learned about yourself or our world from your travels?
Something I’ve experienced over and over again is that the places and people we have been conditioned to fear are really not to be feared at all. While customs and cultures might be different, people want the same things in their lives and for the most part will go out of their way for you if you are respectful, kind, and curious. My everyday experiences could not be any more different from the imam in Turkey to the young man in the subway in Tokyo to the shaman in Peru, but I believe in the end we are all very much alike at the core of our being.
Second, I hate being too hot, and humidity makes me want to cry. Don’t get me wrong, I traveled to Japan in August and Singapore in…I don’t know…whenever it was 2000% humidity, and still had amazing trips. But truthfully, I’d rather travel in the middle of winter when it’s cool and there are no bugs.
Lastly, I’m actually quite a homebody. While I love experiencing the cultures of the world, nothing makes me happier than getting home to my simple little house in the northwest corner of the United States where it’s almost never too hot and almost never too cold, there are hardly any bugs, the air is almost always fresh, and the trees are almost always green.
Rapid-Fire Questions with Nadine
Favorite food? (Be specific!)
I love food. Sweet. Savory. Sour. I live to eat. I am not one of these people that eat to live. It occurs to me that I could write an entire piece on my favorite foods! I’m not even kidding. So I’m ignoring your singular request.
Soul food from both of my mothers’ hands is at the top of my list.
My mom made what’s called Shoyu Chicken, which is essentially the Hawaiian version of teriyaki chicken. She marinated chicken thighs overnight in Kikkoman soy sauce, sugar, ginger, garlic, and a little rice vinegar overnight. (If you’re from Hawaii and reading this I know you’re having a FIT that she didn’t use the Aloha soy sauce, but when she moved to the mainland she could only get Kikkoman and so that’s what I grew up on.) Then, depending on the weather, she cooked the chicken on the hibachi or the electric frying pan and served it with rice. Oh my goodness, get in my belly!
My other favorite meal is my mother-in-law’s enchiladas. She made these for my birthday dinner every year, and sadly, while she is 97 and still living, she can no longer physically cook. She layered the enchiladas instead of rolling them and used a mixture of spices and chilis with cheese and onion, and holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph they were spicy.
Favorite countries to visit?
I adore Portugal, Turkey, and Japan.
There are three places I have always wanted to see at least once in my life: the Sagrada Familia Basilica in Barcelona, Machu Picchu, and the icebergs and penguins in Antarctica. I have seen the Sagrada Familia several times, I will be visiting Machu Picchu for a second time this summer, and Antarctica has been attempted twice and the third time will be–fingers crossed–the charm.
Favorite Starbucks drink?
It changes, but right now it’s a grande salted caramel sweet cream cold brew.
Favorite podcast?
This also changes, but I’ve been fangirling over Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things. I feel like I need to be best friends with Glennon, her wife Abby, and “Sister” (her real sister Amanda). I laugh, cry, and leave thinking about these podcasts for days after listening.
Favorite guilty pleasure?
I have plenty, which might tell you something! A Starbucks caramel frappuccino with extra caramel, watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette series, owning way too many glassybaby votives, The Kardashians, and keeping our cleaning lady when we all know that I could clean my own house.
Favorite color of glassybaby candles? 😆
That’s like asking a mother who her favorite child is! 😩It changes with the season, but I’m sort of into the happy yellows right now. Sunshine and canary are both bright, cheery, and make me smile. Goldenrod and roots are also in the “happy yellow” category, which are close seconds.
