Letter 89: To Endure
When we understand the human experience
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Happy April!
My friend, Sam, is back today to share her thoughts on a beautiful Japanese idea called gaman. She shares about the importance of this idea in her life, in her work with the Red Cross, and as something she models for her young cousins with whom she’s very close.
As the winter thaw slowly works its way around the country in these early April days, we are reminded of what it means to endure the wintery dark, difficult days and trust that the brighter, spring days are around the corner. And lately, with the news of the school in Nashville, Tennessee, we are also reminded of enduring suffering with the hope that change is possible. Hopefully Sam’s perspective here offers perspective on the ways in which we use our enduring strength to stay the course. —Molly
Click play to hear Sam read today’s letter.
I’m floating on a paddle board on the Puget Sound when my cousin Katie suddenly says, “Okay! Let’s go around and share our childhood trauma!”
It’s a cloudy, but warm day in the Pacific Northwest. The kind of day where the entire sky is covered in gray clouds, but it’s so bright you’re not entirely sure if you should be wearing sunscreen (you should always be wearing sunscreen), and it’s still warm enough to comfortably dip your toes into the salt water.
I’ve linked up paddle boards with my two cousins, Katie and Audrey, each with a leg holding on to the others’ board. The three of us are following the tide as we slowly drift in the bay, gossiping about their high school endeavors (they’re 15 ½ years old and two out of three of my triplet cousins), funny recent events, new slang, and -- now -- sharing memories of hurt and hardship.
When Katie makes her initial demand, it’s Audrey who’s the first to say, “Katie! Geeze!”. I laugh, fully ready to throw down the parts of my life that still sometimes hurt to think about or are uncomfortable to share. With 14 years between us, I promised myself that as they started to get older and our conversations became more mature, I would never lie to them. Despite the age difference, we’ve all grown up together, and I’ve always wanted to set a good example for them by being honest about my experiences and never shying away from my true feelings or worries. It’s the responsibility of the oldest sister and cousin -- a self-prescribed standard that I take seriously.
As we float along, sharing our thoughts on body image, relationships with family members and friends, dreams for the future and more, I’m reminded of how quickly they are growing up and how much more they have experienced than I did at their age.
Their access to the world through social media, news, and so many other avenues of technology is so much greater than mine was. I am constantly reminded that they are far more mature than I ever was at 15. This, of course, comes at a price and made me reflect on how we all manage through the challenges and hardships life presents to us, at any age.
Around this same time, I had been on a journey to learn more about my Japanese heritage, and I stumbled upon the Japanese word gaman (我慢). Gaman means to endure through seemingly unbearable events with patience and dignity, to put up with hard situations without complaining, to persevere through tough times, to “grin and bear it” or “suffer in silence” as we would say in American culture. At the heart of it, to gaman is to endure. Oddly enough, though I had been on a journey to learn more about my Japanese heritage, this word (or concept) came to me in the context of work as well.
Through my job at the American Red Cross, I focus on supporting youth before, during and after disasters or emergencies. An aspect of my work focuses on resilience building through coping skills to manage, or endure, through these situations. Of note, is the aftermath of the 2011 Fukushima earthquake and tsunami that turned into a nuclear disaster. Many records indicate that the victims of this event rarely complained, were stoic, yet patient. This was gaman at play, an ingrained expectation of the Japanese culture.
Just like anything though, there are two sides of gaman. Our ability to preserve through hardship can be perceived as positive, but, on the other hand, it can also lend itself to quiet and lonely suffering. When I spoke to my grandma, Noriko, about the concept of gaman, her first comment to me was about how this concept varied between generations. She said that even back in the 1940s when she was growing up, the older generations didn’t think the youth of that time showed enough gaman. The gap now I think would be even greater, as Gen Z pushes for openness about mental health and better working conditions. These were the things older generations never spoke about and just endured through. Expectations for how we navigate through life has changed, just like the perception of gaman has.
I think our ability to endure comes in many forms throughout our lives. In some cases, it’s loud and extreme. Like how women must endure the fear of being in unsafe environments at any moment, even while exercising or running errands. In other cases, it's daily and seemingly quieter. Like how many of us endure the shame of not loving our bodies because of societal beauty standards. Or how some of us suffer through a miscarriage and feel scared to share how traumatic the experience is. Or how some of us hide our hardships, grief, and sufferings because we don’t want to be a burden to others or reveal the imperfect parts of our lives. There are countless examples that are woven into our daily lives, big and small, that dictate how we exist in this world, how we show up, and how authentically we can be to ourselves and to others.
So much of our human experience depends on our ability to endure through whatever life presents to us. It takes bravery to gaman, but it also takes bravery to not gaman. There are times to persevere, and there are times to share our sufferings and hardships, to lean on others to get us through. I am reminded of Katie and Audrey when I think of the concept of gaman. How much lighter I felt sharing my hardships with them, and how honored I felt when they shared theirs with me.
To me, my ability to endure through hard times, will become whatever I need it to be in the moment. There will be times I will need to only lean on my own strength and perseverance to get through hard situations, and other times when I’ll need to lean on others to get me through. My hope for Katie and Audrey is that they continue to believe in their ability to gaman, to endure through what they are going through now, and what they will go through in the future. But I also hope they lean on the power of asking for help through the love and support they can gather from others. I hope they continue to share their experiences with others so they can be carried through when their own abilities to endure come up short. And I hope I continue to be lucky enough to be one of the ones that get to carry them when they need it.
Sam’s Five Favorites:
Gochugang Caramel Cookie: I recently made these cookies created by Eric Kim and I am absolutely obsessed. The cookies are sweet with a lovely spicy warmth that perfectly balances out and is so quick and easy to make.
Wednesday Addams: My sister and I are obsessed with the new Netflix show Wednesday and she introduced me to the makeup products that were used on the main actress, Jenna Ortega. We love a subtle goth lip moment!
Red Tailed Leather: My dear friend Leigh Ann makes incredible leather products and I’ve been lucky enough to snag a few of her pieces! Be sure to check out her Instagram and Etsy shop!
Food Artist Sibitable: I could stare at these creations all day! They are incredible to look at and a very low stress way to enjoy scrolling through a social media account.
Coping Skills: I manage a youth disaster preparedness program called Prepare with Pedro and we have a library of adorable, yet informative, animated videos. My favorite is our coping skills video that is sure to add a few resilience building skills to your toolbox, no matter your age!
In gratitude,
Sam Johnson
P.S. When we grapple with weighted questions, and try to find meaning, and have little tolerance for misery.
Beautiful, Sam! ❤️
As always, wise beyond your years, Sam. ❤️