Letter 80: The Persistent Dream
When we refuse to have regrets
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Welcome to February!
New beginnings are an endearing topic as they bring about exciting, universal emotions. And what if the new beginning is one you’ve thought, dreamt, and planned for, for most of your life? The build-up, anticipation, and uncertainty sometimes hold just as much promise as the actual event. So it was for Sarah, as she made the leap to move to New York City last year. She refused to give up on her dream, give in to her fears, and she took control of her next move. It’s been a true joy to watch her soar; I was also so thankful she was willing to share about what helped her make her decision. Because many times things look really beautiful on the outside (ahem…Instagram), but not enough of us talk about the reality behind the pretty curtain. So here’s Sarah’s peek behind it all, en route to New York City! —Molly
Click play to hear Sarah read today’s letter.
“On days you can’t hear yourself, slow down to let your mind and body catch up to each other.”
Rupi Kaur
The first time I visited New York City, I was eight years old.
It was the summer of 2002, and we did all the things you do as a tourist in New York—Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, Times Square; you know the drill.
While the details of the trip are etched into my memory very vividly, the emotions are not. Did I love it? Did I care? Did I understand the cultural significance of this iconic city and the impact it’d have on me 20 years later? I know the answer to the last one (a resounding “no”, as I was far more concerned with whether or not I’d be in the same third-grade classroom as my best friend), but the first two have me stumped.
This is what I remember about the city that summer: Bright lights. Loud cars. Weird smells. Chaotic energy I didn’t know what to name or where to place.
Later on, at 18 years old, I dreamt of living in New York City, the way most young people do, despite not having been there in 10 years. I’d like to thank Teen Vogue, Sarah Jessica Parker, and a dream to escape the town I’d grown up in for that.
Instead, I left Tacoma, Washington, for school in Redlands, California, and in the early stages of my career, I spent time in San Francisco and Seattle. The dominoes fell seamlessly into place when I moved to each city, and to put it simply, it just made sense.
Despite loving both cities for what they were and the people that I shared them with, New York continued to live faintly in the back of my mind, a hazy dream, a potential reality, a persistent but quiet desire. It felt doable, but also just out of reach.
After that first trip in 2002, I visited New York three more times, and each experience drew me deeper under the spell of the city until I was completely entranced. On the third of the four trips, in August 2021, after a glass of Prosecco at Amelie on the Upper West Side, I decided New York was made for me and I for it, and I’d call it home one way or another.
The challenge? It didn’t really make sense. I had very few connections here — a small circle of friends from different pockets of life, sure; but no family, no idea what neighborhood to live in, and no understanding of what day-to-day life might actually look like.
Naturally, many people were quick to point this out when I mentioned the big move. While they were certainly well-intentioned, the constant asking if I had friends or job security in New York rattled me. A choice that at one point felt so simple and completely my own became mulled over and picked at, and I internalized the “I would never move there!” statements and “how will you afford it?” questions.
An overwhelming sense of insecurity washed over me, slowly at first, until I finally cracked and started to question myself. Would I be able to handle New York City? Was moving across the country alone a bad decision?
And so, as the internal questioning began, my confidence became shaky and I fell into a spiral of “should I?,” “can I?,” and “will I?”. The weight of what people thought about my move to Manhattan felt unbearable; and then, in two parts, it clicked.
The First Realization: My insecurities had nothing to do with New York City and whether or not I was capable of handling it. I cared (and I very deeply hate to admit this) about how I was being perceived. The moment I brought awareness to this, it began to dissipate. Not all at once, of course, but I do recall a feeling of ease washing over me. Also, a loud “fuck that.”
The Second Realization: A soft voice in the back of my mind spoke very plainly, asking me, “How will I feel if I don’t move to New York?” Quite simply (and perhaps dramatically), I replied, “I’ll regret it forever.”
Until about two years ago, I thought adulthood equated to omniscience and that decisions came easily. As it turns out, neither of these things are true. Shocking, I know. With a fully developed frontal lobe and 28 years of living under my belt, I find taking risks, making decisions, and understanding life significantly more challenging than I did at eight or 18.
But maybe that’s what makes the risk of moving to Manhattan that much more special. When I officially decided to move across the country, from Seattle to New York, the dominoes didn’t fall seamlessly; the pattern wasn’t logical, or maybe it was an entirely different game. There were many roadblocks, one of them, of course, being myself, but whatever route I took to get here, I made it.
The risk of the move, the internal fiasco, and the many, many questions were well worth it to make it to the other side and call this dazzling city my home.
With only a few months of New York living to tap into, this is what I know about the city: Bright lights. Loud cars. Weird smells. Chaotic energy I still don’t know what to name or where to place it.
I’m not sure how the eight-year-old version of me felt about New York City. But I think she’d be very happy to know how much it fuels me now.
Sarah’s Favorite Things
Side Dimes: I’ve followed this account on Instagram for a couple of years now and absolutely love it! The artist gives 17th and 18th paintings a modern twist… Definitely check it out!
Laneige Lip Mask: Cold weather = dry skin. I love this overnight mask to keep my lips hydrated. I also use it before I go for walks for an extra boost of moisture!
Local Art Fairs: Wholesome alert. I’m always on the lookout for cool home decor and unique pieces of art, especially as I decorate my new apartment. I recently got this beautiful print from a local artist at a fair in Chelsea!
CottonOn: The perfect stop for wardrobe basics. I’m obsessed.
Lofi Morning: This Spotify playlist is the best way to start the day. I love listening to instrumental music when I work or do AM chores, and this brings the perfect lowkey vibes.
In gratitude,
Sarah Sheppard
P.S. Sarah’s last piece about “ditching the shoulds” is another must-read!
