Letter 73: Becoming the Producer of Your Own Life
When life has become unmanageable
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It is my absolute pleasure to introduce April Sunshine Hawkins, the author of this week’s letter. April is a powerhouse whom I have had the delight to know for the better part of ten years. When she and her husband Brent lived in Fort Worth, they were our concert comrades, foodie friends, and so much more. She single-handedly won a legit lip-synching battle!
April is a dancer, a photographer, a podcaster, and a dear friend. She is one of the bravest people I’ve ever known. She loves with every ounce of her being, fierce and strong. Perhaps the “dark night of the soul” that April describes below resonates with you, and April’s bravery to meet her own insecurities and insufficiencies can serve as your reminder to dig deep, recalibrate, and carry on. I know she would want that for you, and I know that April would be first in line to cheer you on toward becoming your best self. —Emily
Announcing a new feature for our weekly letters: an AUDIO version of the newsletter, read by the author! If you’d prefer to listen to the day’s newsletter, click play in the embedded link at the top of the letter.
Click play to hear April Sunshine read today’s letter.
“Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
-Brené Brown, The Midlife Unraveling
I was living my life how I like my dance music…cranked up full blast.
It was working for me until it wasn’t.
I was:
Making sure Brent, my husband, had everything he needed
Following every rule ever created (spoken, unspoken, family, religious, work, social, etc.)
Having the most fun in any and all situations
Saying yes to every opportunity presented to me
Running for mayor of every room of people I walked into
Planning for the future to make sure Brent and I will have everything we need when we are older
Eating the right foods to make me strong and thin
Exercising and pushing myself like I’m training for the Olympics
Being generous with my time and money so I can help solve the world’s problems
Putting in overtime to win the coveted “We’d Be Screwed Without You” award at work
Avoiding almost all self-care activities because they ‘‘slowed me down’’ and were “selfish”
Staying in constant contact with all of my friends and family members to ensure they also had everything they needed (which, of course, included my thoughtfulness and unconditional love)
My life had become completely unmanageable…again.
My dig-deep button had never failed me before, but as I pressed it again and again I was experiencing new mental strains and physical ailments began to pop up. I knew cognitively humans have limitations and only a certain amount of bandwidth for each day. But, it was time to learn where my lines were and how to allocate some of myself for myself instead of giving every ounce of energy to others.
So many layers contributed to these unrealistic expectations. I was allowing them to set the insane pace for my life. All of the layers had gotten tangled up over my years of running at full speed without paying attention to what I was carrying.
I had completely ignored the warning signs. When I would get tripped up by my tangled mess, I’d just gather everything up, put my head down, and plow forward rather than stopping to figure out what was causing me to fall down in the first place.
It wasn’t until the layers all had tied themselves around every part of my being and strapped me to the ground (some might call this rock bottom) that I finally stopped to assess what I was really dealing with.
As I’ve untangled the layers through various forms of therapy, I learned about my own operating system.
I was at a live event recently, and I walked past the sound booth. When I saw the soundboard it instantly became a metaphor to help me make sense of my untangling process:
Each layer of my life is represented by a cord that plugs into the soundboard. Each cord has a corresponding button that I can slide up and down to determine how loud or quiet that particular layer gets to be in the mix of my life.
At first, I was so tangled up in the cords I wasn’t sure what plugged in where or what each cord represented. As I sorted through and learned about each cord I could see where each one came from (its source). I would then find where it plugged into the soundboard and label it accordingly.
This is an ongoing process. I’m still finding and identifying cords I didn’t realize were there. I’m renaming the labels as I gain new awarenesses and insights as I jog briskly (no longer sprinting full out) along my therapeutic journey.
This organization helps me see and hear things much more clearly.
It’s allowed me to:
Pull the plug on cords that no longer serve me
Figure out what cords are missing (lessons I was never taught) and reach out to my therapists/mentors to find out where to get them
Understand different seasons of my life require a different mix and adjust accordingly
Identify the parts of the soundboard that are shared with Brent in our couple-ship and which are solely my own to control
Recognize when I need to turn everything down (I took a two-month sabbatical) and then slowly add things back in
Ultimately, I now trust myself with the mix and I finally feel like the producer of my own life. I am no longer letting other people or old rules/patterns that no longer serve me determine what should or shouldn’t be included.
There are times when stress or a conversation with an unhelpful source comes into my life and it automatically pushes one (or more) of the levels way up causing distortion. Or one of my essential cords starts shorting out causing disconnection. These things happen regularly because… life. However, I’m now much more equipped to be able to identify what is going on and adjust.
It’s a relief to know the essential cords are usually the most simple (nature, exercise, sleep, drinking water, connecting with a fellow human, being creative, connecting with my higher power). And some cords I can whip around like a lasso of truth to inspire change (breaking down the patriarchy and other systems of oppression). Slowly (much more slowly than I’m used to) but surely I’m finding the rhythm that works for me.
I am now listening for the whispers from the universe because I learned the hard way that if we don’t, she will have to resort to yelling.
April’s Five Favorite Things
Free Therapy: Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Meetings
If this letter resonated with you and you’re looking for some free therapy to help with untangling your layers and connecting/labeling your soundboard, find an ACA meeting near you. I had no idea that I am a recovering adult child and there are 12-step programs for people like me. I want everyone to know it's an option.
Click here to find a meeting via Zoom or in person near you.
Feeling unsure? Read the ACA Laundry List and if five or more of the traits describe your experience, then you’re likely a great fit.
Book: Soulcation
My friend Mel Miles wrote this book to help you create a life you don’t need a vacation from. She inspired me to take my sabbatical and it was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself.
Click here to buy her book on Amazon and click here to follow her on Instagram.
Book: The Artist’s Way
I didn’t realize that while I was carrying so many responsibilities and pushing myself to the limit I had blocked a lot of my creativity. My vocal coach mentioned this book in one of our lessons and I picked it up. One of the first things it prompts you to do is write a daily stream of consciousness (just 3 pages) entry into any notebook or journal. Just this act alone has helped me connect with myself and open up my creative flow.
Click here to buy the book from a local bookstore in Nashville or get it from your local library.
Podcasts: Unlocking Us & Dare to Lead
Brene Brown and I were cut from the same cloth. She is 10 years ahead of me in life and I am soaking up the wisdom that comes directly from her as well as the guests on her podcasts, Unlocking Us & Dare to Lead. Her work has helped me relabel a lot of my soundboard.
Click here to listen to Unlocking Us and click here to listen to Dare to Lead on Spotify (you do not have to be a subscriber to listen)
App: All Trails
Getting into nature is one of the buttons I turn the volume way up on my soundboard. The All Trails app allows you to see what hikes are in your area. You can easily get directions to where you should park and you can see the trail map on your phone (so you don’t get lost). I love the reviews from people who have recently hiked the trail because they let you know what the current conditions are like.
Search your app store for All Trails and it should pop right up!
With gratitude,
April Sunshine Hawkins
P.S. Changing the world, being a free spirit, and experiencing our parents as grandparents.
