Letter 67: Coming to know Grandma and T-Pa
When we experience our parents as grandparents
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Happy (almost) fall! It is still hot as blazes in Texas, but we are hoping some relief is just around the corner.
We are so excited to introduce a new feature for our newsletters: an AUDIO version of the newsletter, read by the author! If you’d prefer to listen to the day’s newsletter, click play in the embedded link at the top of the letter.
I am thrilled to introduce Desiré Taylor as the author of this week’s letter.
Desiré runs her own practice as a clinical psychologist in Dallas, Texas, and is a mother to a toddler with one on the way. In her letter, Desiré shares how she is navigating the complexities and joys of the changing relationship she has had with her parents since becoming a mother herself. Desiré is completely genuine and does not shy away from admitting how hard it can be to heal from past hurts while discovering the incredible responsibility of putting herself and her family first. —Emily
Click play to hear Desiré read today’s letter.
In the late summer of 2020, my husband and I welcomed our first child into our lives. Her little life changed our world in tremendous ways. While her birth was certainly the most anticipated, other births took place that day. Those births included a mother, a father, and grandparents. I spent the first eighteen months of my daughter’s life contemplating my identity as a mother. In the last two months, I found space to process the experiences and changes my parents have undergone in their grandparent transformation.
My parents were grandparents to three beautiful children through my sister who is seven years older than me. The start of her family happened to coincide with my graduate school training. I was not paying attention as they became “T-PA” and “Grandma” because I was trying to survive imposter syndrome, dissertations, and clinical training. Their evolution may have begun before 2020, but I wasn’t clued in.
When my parents became grandparents for the fourth time it was amid a global pandemic. They were unable to physically comfort their daughter following an emergency cesarean section and resulting complications. They could not access their grandchild in the NICU as she was recovering from pulmonary hypertension. When things settled, they would make their first introductions. Before meeting her, they contemplated her fragility as a newborn and their vulnerability as a population at significant risk. Holding her for the first time they felt a surge of love for this new child but feared they would hurt her by transmitting a terrifying disease. I can’t imagine a more complicated first meeting. My mother was with us as much as she could be those first few months. My father’s time looked different. He lost his dad to complications of covid several days after my daughter’s birth. He was grieving and deeply fearful of covid and stayed away for a while. Once my family was fully vaccinated, we visited more frequently and I learned about my parents as grandparents.
As a child, my parents were people with big hurts that they did not work through before they entered into marriage and parenthood. My sister and I witnessed the enactment of these hurts. My dad was a man who rejected feedback, quickly lost his temper, and carried a heaviness. My momma had a lot of sad spells, had a hard time being still, and developed coping habits that were hard to shake. These dark parts of my parents took up a lot of space in our childhood lives. We got glimpses of their other more healthy parts in childhood, but they were not the main characters.
As I watch my parents in their grandparenting role, I see them stepping into new ways of being that I rarely witnessed as a child. My dad is quick to pick up the phone. He expresses a real desire to know how I am and how my family is doing. He makes me feel like what I have to share is the most important thing he will hear all day. With a little bit of resistance, he tries to take in feedback. We spend a lot of time discussing the explicit and gendered language to be avoided around little humans. He often says stuff like, “Desiré, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And, “What do you expect from an ex-military man from Birmingham, Alabama?” After the usual excuses, I see him trying. When he calls my daughter on the Facebook Portal, there is nothing tough about him. As T-Pa he is silly and entertains her like no other. He beams with joy when he sees her light up and it is so genuine.
My mom still gets pulled under by a sad spell every now and then. As a grandma, I have seen her more committed to showing up and better about naming her boundaries. She will say to me, “I can’t come up and help that weekend because I need to rest, but I will be there the next weekend.” When that woman shows up, she really shows up. She gets down on the ground and enters my daughter’s play world like no one else. She is quicker to set aside tasks and build a full-blown fort in the living room. My momma as a grandma is fully present and nothing takes my breath away more. Don’t get me wrong, the house will still be in order and dinner will be made, but there will also be plenty of time for play. My daughter seems to grasp how important her grandmother is. She deeply rests on my mother as if she has known her for centuries.
As I watch my parents change and my love becomes more tender for them, I am deeply aware that they will not always be with me. I think you really start to feel this in your bones as you watch your parents become grandparents.
It is an excruciatingly painful and beautiful process to see your parent’s bodies begin to fail as their hearts seem to be exponentially growing. Every day I have the opportunity to experience my parents as grandparents, I get to be with a person who I needed in my own childhood. I see them trying so hard for my daughter, and I know they are trying for me too. I am healing because of this.
Desiré’s Five Favorite Things
Taking long walks with my daughter through our neighborhood
The book Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
Season 6 of Workin’ Moms on Netflix
Planning trips so we can travel with my parents and in-laws
Mastering the art of D.I.Y. home projects
Gratefully,
Desiré Taylor
P.S. Making it work, reading with our children, and choosing compassion
