Letter 47: Choose Compassion

When we are mindful of others

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We made it to May!

Summertime is around the corner. The trees are full-on green here in Tennessee, my boys run home from school with sweet, sweaty brows, and summer trip planning is in full swing. Since it’s also early May, it’s now when we start thinking more intentionally about our relationships with our mothers.

Today’s writer, Jin, shares an honest, beautiful piece of herself here in a way that we don’t often consider around Mother’s Day. Week after week, I’m so incredibly moved by our writer’s bravery to share their truths and hearts with our readers. Jin’s letter is exactly this and an important reminder that our relationships are not one size fits all.

Jin and I are fortunate to share a dear, mutual friend (Sam), and Sam recently shared the following with me about Jin: “Jin is fiercely loyal and selfless when it comes to her family and mature beyond her years. She is the epitome of resilience, dedication, and thoughtfulness, and I've witnessed this through her relationships and studies both in college and medical school. She's always thinking of others first, whether it's a friend or a patient she's caring for, and always willing to keep an open mind about someone's opinion or experience.”

I’m so thankful to share Jin’s beautiful words here with you today. —Molly

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“She’s still your mom.”

It’s a heavy remark thrown around lightly by others, meant to be insightful but inadvertently more shaming than supportive. It’s a remark that disregards the vulnerability, loneliness, and grieving that the tumultuous state of an estranged relationship involves.

The statement, well-intentioned or not, is always met by my silence. Internally, I’m screaming—screaming that the reminder isn’t needed, it’s not helpful, it hurts. As if saying something so obvious would be the tipping point to rebuilding a relationship that they take no part in, but in turn only ignoring the traumas I’ve endured for almost a decade now.

It ignores the experiences of being emotionally drained after any encounter with my mom or the feeling of lightness and relief when I don’t hear from her for months. It traumatized me; it continues to traumatize me to see her name on the screen of my phone when she calls.  

The ultimate decision to sever ties with someone you’re innately supposed to love is incredibly difficult. It takes years of unraveling and unlearning what you thought was right, conventional, law.

I exist because my mom does; it’s a fact I can’t ignore. But there comes a point when a challenging relationship stops being sustainable and starts to become harmful to your physical and mental well-being.

While my other relationships thrived with the excitement of the future, my relationship with my mom remained rooted in the past. I found myself drowning in guilt for not wanting a relationship with her and disappointed in my failure to connect with someone who’d birthed me. I questioned myself repeatedly. I was self-conscious that those around me questioned me as well.

At this point, I could easily explain what happened between my mom and me. I have done so many times before. I’ve become desensitized to rehashing the intimate details to anyone that asks.

I won’t here; because my point is, the emotionally laborious decision to distance yourself from someone for your own wellbeing shouldn’t need to be explained, validated, or justified. 

Gratefully, there are many different shapes and forms of having a mom. I was raised by my grandmother, doted on by my four aunts, and fiercely protected by my older sister throughout my entire life. I gained a friend in my stepmom when my dad remarried a few years ago; my soon-to-be mother-in-law has fully embraced me with open arms.

I am grateful and cognizant of the fact that I am privileged to be loved by these women. There is no proverbial void to be filled by my mom’s absence. In short, I am surrounded by strong women who have offered their warmth, patience, and guidance to me with no strings attached. I exist because they do, and that’s a fact I don’t want to ignore.

Reminders of my sister everywhere I go – Penang, Malaysia 

Unfortunately, there are also many different shapes and forms of losing a mom. It can be temporary, or it can be permanent.

I’ve witnessed friends endure the harm of a toxic relationship: the constant criticism, the projection of insecurities, and the perpetuation of trauma that’s been passed down for generations. I’ve stood by friends who have lost their moms from medical illnesses: the tragedy of losing time with someone you love for no rhyme or reason, the anger, and regrets that come with the injustice.

Whatever it may be, choose to be kind to those who may not have the same relationship with their moms as you do. Choose to be non-judgmental. Choose to be compassionate. 

Soon enough, like every year, May will near. Mother’s Day will come. It’s a day that still feels strange to me, no matter how many passes. It’s not a day I dread or fear, especially since I have so many women to celebrate.

I just feel awkward. It can be best described as the feeling of waving at someone who wasn’t waving at you.

While you celebrate your mom and the strong women that make you, please be mindful of those around you that may not be as fortunate. To some, the day can be painful. It can be a reminder, another form of being told, “She’s still your mom.” 

The sun will set, and the next day will come. (Ipoh, Malaysia)

Jin’s Five Favorite Things

• I’m currently reading The Lincoln Highway by Amor Towles. I’m a huge fan of his storytelling and haven’t been disappointed yet.

• Estelita’s Library is a Black/Brown-founded community library/bookstore based in Seattle, WA, that I’ve been privileged to support. I linked to the bookstore right above here for Towles’ book.

• I’ve been missing home and I feel the closest to my grandma when I cook Korean food. I love following @teekeatz’s easy recipes! 

• I’m new to ClassPass but have enjoyed diversifying my workouts and joining different classes that work with my schedule.

• Do you love boba? Are you lactose intolerant? Same. I’ve been eating too much of TJ’s Black Tea and Boba coconut ice cream lately.

Help, Please!

I’m moving soon and need to redecorate and refurnish my new apartment. Any affordable-ish must-haves? I’m looking for cozy, but minimalist vibes! Share your ideas below in the comments.

With gratitude,

Jin Yun

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