Letter 51: Cultural Dilemmas in Parenting
When we have open minds and loving hearts
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Happy Wednesday, everyone! We hope you had a restful Memorial Day weekend with your families, especially as many of you are beginning summer break.
Just one week ago was another sobering reminder of the frailty of life and the increased risk of gun-related violence in our communities. If you, like we (Molly, Emily Smith, and Emily Fleming), are frightened and saddened by these events, we urge you to join us in contacting your state senators and representatives.
My dear friend Esther Miller has graciously agreed to write a short series for our newsletter, and today’s letter is part two. (Read part one here.)
This is kind of a gross story. Bear with me. On Halloween a few years ago, I was working at Gifted (Esther’s shop in Fort Worth) when Esther came in with her daughter Eloise after school. Eloise had had a great day. It was Halloween, after all, and that meant Eloise ate tons of candy like any other completely normal kid. But Eloise might have had too much candy because she got nauseated and started to throw up—and I KID YOU NOT—Esther immediately knelt and caught Eloise’s vomit with her bare hands. I just stood amazed. And then quickly grabbed paper towels and the trash can. I am smiling as I type out the story because it was a perfect example of the level of sacrifice mothers offer up on a daily basis. And motherhood includes…well…some really gross stuff a lot of the time.
Motherhood also comes with expectations that we don’t realize exist until we are co-parenting with someone who has separate expectations than we have. And as Esther expands on in her piece, learning this process in a multicultural home adds a layer of complexity to what is already a labyrinthian task.
As Maya Angelou wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” We are all learning as we go. We are all doing the best we can. And isn’t that what this life is all about? That we can turn to each other and help one another grow? That’s what love is. — Emily
“In fact, she was both my first and second words: Umma, then Mom. I called to her in two languages. Even then I must have known that no one would ever love me as much as she would.”
Michelle Zauner, Crying in H Mart
My husband and I quickly became parents after we got married—we found out I was expecting one month after we got married to be exact. Because I got pregnant so quickly, there wasn’t much time for us to talk through how our different ethnic backgrounds would reflect through our parenting. Our marriage had barely wet its feet and already our conversations shifted from learning each other's love languages to discussing the safest car seats on the market, which nursery theme would best reflect our new family, what our stance was on co-sleeping, and of course, what kind of parents we hoped to be to our child. The rapid-fire and reactionary nine months went by quickly and left little time for us to reflect deeply on what I have now come to consider one of the most influential aspects of our parenting styles: cultural upbringing.
The thing about interracial marriages is that, in my experience, most issues that come up can quickly be attributed to cultural differences. I have found that there is very little that different cultural understandings don't touch in a marriage. Everything from points of view on seasonal traditions, vacations, money management, household chores, meal preferences, and yes, even intimate affection are all shaped by an individual’s cultural upbringing. And one such topic that certainly takes the spotlight is parenting.
For example, because I am Korean-American, I have to fight the natural urge to be a Tiger Mom to my daughter. When she was a baby, I was pushing her to walk. When she was a toddler, I was getting her to behave perfectly in public. When she was school-aged, I made sure her extracurricular activities were in order. The Tiger Mom in me, no matter how I tried to repress her, never slumbers. It wasn’t until late last year that my daughter shared that maybe I was pushing her to do too much. Fighting back tears before dance class, she told me, “I don’t have time to play, Mama.” It broke my heart.
How could she have time to play? She went to school Monday through Friday for the better half of the day, then she had private piano lessons once a week, dance classes twice a week, Korean language school on Saturdays, Sunday school on Sundays, and we were working on her reading in between. If an invitation or opportunity for an extra activity presented itself during the week, such as a play date or birthday party, it would be surprising if she had a collective few hours for independent creative play during the week. The realization was hard for me to swallow.
In my defense, I wasn’t taught that filling my child’s calendar with extracurricular activities and extra studying was a way to show your child that you loved them; rather, I lived it. And so did my other Asian-American friends in California. It was normal to have a completely full calendar after school and we often found solace in knowing that we weren’t the only ones who were too busy to have free time.
Marrying my husband (who is white) opened my eyes to a totally different way of upbringing. He often shares with me how his childhood was mostly spent playing outside. He’d leave the house on his bike after school and show up again at dinner time. Or in high school, he’d come home, make himself a snack, and play video games if he didn’t have homework. I was utterly shocked and confused to hear this.
This is just one perspective on how cultural upbringing impacts our parenting decisions regarding extracurricular education. Our story is just one example of two types of upbringings—a general stereotype of an Asian household versus a white household cannot be made. And now after being married for eight years, it’s clear to me that our upbringing has truly shaped the people and parents we have become today.
The truth is, with the fast pace of life, my husband and I often find it difficult to exercise an innovative parenting style tailored to our daughter. I am embarrassed to admit that we often fall into the trap of default parenting based on behaviors and parenting methods inherent in our upbringing—for better or for worse.
But as I write this, it’s become clear to me that I need to cut myself some slack. This is because I sense that our daughter understands exactly who she is. She understands her identity to be Korean-American like mommy and Anglo-American like daddy. She understands that when we are with our Korean family, we bow our heads and say, “Hn-young-ha-sae-yo.” When we are with our white family, saying “Hi,” is enough.
She loves kimchi and rice as much as she loves mac and cheese, and she loves dressing up in her hanbok for New Year’s as well as her annual dress for Easter Sunday. She understands mommy’s side of the family has certain cultural traditions with a different language that she can speak and understand, and daddy’s side of the family has other traditions. She’s learned a balance of both cultures that my husband and I have yet to fully master ourselves. I am extremely privileged to be her mother.
My privilege comes from knowing that we have a smart girl in our care and that we get to color her childhood with a multicultural upbringing filled with an appreciation for family. It comes from the joyful responsibility of shaping her appetite for kindness and teaching her to think with an open mind and loving heart. It comes from knowing that our influence on her world perspective will be seeds for her to create her own opinions of the world. She carries the torch filled with stories of those who came before her on both sides of her family, and she carries it well.
I’m so proud and inspired by my daughter. I believe she will be okay with all the turmoil my husband and I have experienced and continue to experience while over-parenting our daughter in a multicultural home. And it reminds me that—Tiger Mom or not—the most important thing is that I’m Eloise’s mom, and that is good enough for her.
“Nobody loves you like your mother and father. Not your husband, and not your children. While your parents are alive, eat as much of their love as you can, so it can sustain you for the rest of your life.”
E.J. Koh, The Magical Language of Others
Esther’s Five Favorite Things
My deep love and background in traditional Korean dance is the reason why I am so grateful to have come across the song, “Tiger is Coming” by LEENALCHI. The combination of soft alt-pop beats paired with the traditional Korean style of singing, Su-Gung-Gae, drew out a spiritual-adjacent experience in me the first time I listened to it. I now start all my mornings with this song. It’s become a rally-cry song in my life.
My dear friend gifted my daughter and me the Mindy Kim book series by Lyla Lee. They have been marvelous to read with my daughter every night. The idea that Eloise can grow up with literature that places people like her as the main character of a book series is something I am so grateful for.
We just restocked my favorite accessory, the washable fanny pack by Baggu, in new colors at my shop Gifted. This is one item that I think every person regardless of gender or age, needs in their life. It offers an incredible hands-free experience while away from home. I carry mine everywhere!
I have been watching the YouTube videos of Honeyjubu and Haegreendal any time I feel uninspired, stuck, or just need to zone out and recharge for a bit. They are two housewives in Korea who document their celebrated lives of homemaking and slow living. It’s my fantasy to live like them and I learn a lot of good housekeeping and cooking tips from them.
I finally pulled the trigger and “invested” in some ethically made and beautiful underwear from Arq. My two favorites have been the crop tank and Misha undies. I basically live in them all day at home. What’s even better is that my daughter and I got matching sets. The fabric is all-natural and they are incredibly comfy and flattering.
With gratitude,
Esther Miller
First off, your daughter is lucky to have such an amazing mom. I am not married, but my brother is in an interracial marriage( British and African American) and has had similar experiences. It’s been cool seeing my niece and nephew grow up with being exposed to two different cultures. I have also enjoyed seeing my brother and sister-in-law navigate their differences in parenting. Thank you again for sharing this letter!
Love this, and your description of your daughter! You have a wonderful family, clearly! "as I write this, it’s become clear to me that I need to cut myself some slack. This is because I sense that our daughter understands exactly who she is" I also sensed, particularly with my younger children a strong sense of innate knowing of themselves...although I am half Jewish and my husband is a blend of East Asian and Armenia, for them it's more like they came in with soul intuition. So we've raised them with appreciation for cultures but I think we are more the soup that has been through the blender and the different elements are not as distinct, but they combine in a way that allows a unique soul to come through and NOT be define by identity politics YET be confident in who they are. I love what you write about a joyful responsibiltiy, an open mind and heart. To me I have always valued above all teaching my children to listen to the whispers of their own inner truth and to follow their conscience and express their true potential in THEIR way. I once ran into a South Asian woman at a chess event. We connected and she asked me if I had any idea what I wanted to "make my son into, like doctor, lawyer engineer..." and I laughed because I said, "I don't think it is my job to make my children into anything...I think they come with the seed or blueprint of their highest potential and I am here to help them to become who they are here to be...I am to be a humble learner, to discern what environments, conditions and ingredients they need thrive and to become who they are destined to be..." the woman then also laughed and said, "I never thought of it like that, but you're right." I think her Hindu background placed it in a context that made sense, but her culture did not...but I think with people you vibe with, culture becomes a cause for enrichment and balance and learning. I think your daughter is very lucky she chose you and thanks to your tiger mom instincts you'll give her all the opportunities her soul needs and thanks to your self-awareness, you'll remember to let her be her own self and remember to allow her to be a human BEING and relax around the doing unless it is truly aligned to her True Self.