Letter 32: Fewer, Better Friendships
When we cultivate friendships in our 30s ~ Friendship Series, Part 2
Happy Wednesday & welcome to the second week of our Friendship Series!
Here’s a bit of background on the series from Molly’s intro to Nabil’s letter from last week:
Emily and I asked several women (one from each decade) to share their insights about their friendships with women for our first TLC series!
Over the next few weeks, you’ll read their stories—some share responses to questions we asked, others share a view into a meaningful female relationship—about their friendships with the women in their lives. Some of you may read about experiences that mirror your own; or perhaps, you may have the fortune of seeing your future!
Today, I (Emily Smith, 37) am contributing to the series by sharing my own experiences with friendships throughout my life and into my 30s.
Many of you responded to last week’s question about defining your friendships in your 20s with words like, “abundant” and “comforting.” But we received far more adjectives with a bit more grit, like “tumultuous,” “seasonal,” and “superficial.” I can relate! Of course, I gained some amazing friends while I was in my 20s, and I am so thankful for that season—it helped me become who I am today. As I wrote this week’s letter, I realized that an overarching theme for relationships in my 30s has been intentional. My focus has narrowed to include fewer yet deeper friendships in this decade. Perhaps you are going through a similar season. If so, I hope you are encouraged to continue to cultivate those beneficial friendships so they will last well beyond the decade you’re currently in. —Emily
“Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.”
L.M. Montgomery
When I was young, I internalized the sentiment that a “best friend” is just that: one friend. But as I’ve gotten older and my friends are part of separate groups, I’ve started to consider the title “best friend” as a tier of friendship rather than a title that can only be applied to one person. I tend to use “best friend” as a label for those friends who have crossed a threshold of intimacy and closeness I haven’t quite reached with others.
My best friends are who I turn to and have deep conversations with. I admire them and I want to hear their advice when I’m going through a difficult time. They are friends I have fun with and make memories with and who I want by my side as we go through different stages of life.
One of those friends is Katie. She and I met when we were 18. (I talk about our friendship in a bit more detail in this letter.) Katie is bubbly and she was brave with her friendship toward me. I tend to hang back and observe, but Katie decided to be my friend and we were inseparable from that point forward. I’m so thankful for her, and 18 years later, although we now live in different states, we make a point to see each other, visit while we’re apart, travel together, and put time toward our friendship.
Katie and I have a friendship that has endured many life stages and changes, but we feel the same—just ourselves—when we’re together.
When I was in my 20s, I put a lot of stock in having a large friend group. I was unsure of myself and tended to measure myself against how well others liked me. I tried so hard to fit in or to accommodate others that I didn’t really recognize when friendships had unhealthy elements, were shallow, or required a lot of work to maintain.
As I left my 20s behind and entered my 30s, my desire to have many friends dissipated and was replaced with an understanding that fewer, deeper friendships were what I truly needed. In some ways, I think it’s a bit easier to maintain friendships now because I am less inclined to give time and energy to friendships that don’t feel life-giving. I feel comfortable in my introverted-ness, and I value friendships that aren’t marked by jealousy or feeling like I have to keep up.
Although the number of close friends I have is fewer in my 30s, those who are part of my circle are those I consider to be in that tier of best friends. In this season of my life, I want to invest in friends who grow my world instead of shrink it and who focus on the beautiful parts of life. If I notice that I continually feel drained after spending time with someone, then I make a point to put some space (physical or emotional) in that relationship.
We hear a lot about 2020 and 2021 being difficult years for school-aged children and teenagers; however, I think it’s important to acknowledge that these years have been hard on adults, too. These were “pressure cooker” years that forced us to take stock of our relationships and values and required us to make changes in our daily lives that we didn’t have to consider previously.
2020 was a year of great transition for me. Not only was I pregnant for the first time and working through what it would mean to become a mom, but the whole world was experiencing a pandemic as well as political and racial turmoil. It was a crash course in admitting that going through difficult circumstances will reveal our true selves. Adversity tends to bring disparities to the surface, which of course had lasting effects on some of my shallower friendships. I began to realize that some of those friends and I held drastically different values and perspectives on topics we could no longer overlook. We couldn’t maintain casual conversation anymore because our very foundations had been laid bare and things were just…different.
Consequently, I’ve found myself allowing some of those peripheral friendships to lapse. Of course, I believe that there are seasons of life, that people can change, and that distance can sometimes make the heart grow fonder; but right now I lack the bandwidth to maintain friendships that make life harder or require an incredible amount of emotional preparation for a few hours together.
Some of my deepest friendships were built during my transition from my mid-20s to my mid-30s within the English department of the school where I taught literature. In fact, I think most decades were represented within that department: we were in our 20s to our 60s! We were obviously close because we worked together, but it was such an incredible experience to be part of a team of women who genuinely liked each other, celebrated with each other, and helped each other grow in our personal and professional lives. I love having friends in different stages of life than my current one.
Although wisdom isn’t always based on age, many times the best advice I’ve received has come from friends who are a bit older and have experienced more of life.
The only reason I survived as a new teacher was because of the support and advice these women gave me based on their own experiences.
When I became a mom at 35, I was so grateful to have friends a few years ahead of me so I could hear their perspectives. I loved that I could reach out and ask a friend about what I really needed to take in my hospital bag or about her breastfeeding journey when I was having a difficult time. Even if they didn’t have an answer, it was helpful to know that they had gone through a similar experience and came out on the other side.
One value I appreciate most in a friend is her ability to listen in order to understand and connect rather than to simply agree or add to what was just said. My friend Lisa has this ability; when we visit, I feel her calm presence, and she responds with empathy. I feel seen by her and I always feel better after we visit, even if we talk about difficult things.
I remember at one particularly low point during the 2020 lockdown, which was prompted by pregnancy hormones or a botched Instacart order (or both?), I called Lisa and actually cried because I was so frustrated. And she was so sweet to me. Obviously, my frustration was about so much more than a substitution in my grocery order, and she understood. She reassured me, saying, “I understand how you feel,” and “Ugh! That is so frustrating!” She helped me feel less crazy and very validated. She gave me space to vent and then helped me work through my frustration to get me to the other side of my emotions. My friendship with Lisa has helped me realize since I value this trait in her, I want to carry out empathy and respect in all of my friendships. I want others to feel how I feel when I spend time with Lisa.
In her book Becoming, Michelle Obama writes, “Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses…swapped back and forth and over again.”
My biggest takeaway as I reflect on friendships throughout my life is that they are incredibly important. They are so important, in fact, that we must give both time and attention in order to cultivate our relationships with other women, much like we would tend a garden, allowing space for those “small kindnesses” to land, take root, and grow. And the difficult part of cultivating is that it can include some unsavory elements, like pruning away what is dead in order to make room for new growth or allowing healthier parts of our garden (or friendship—is this metaphor still working? 😅) to flourish.
As I head into my 40s, I want to continue to make time for the friends who show me rather than just tell me they love me, and I want to show them my love in return. I want to spend time together and text each other silly memes. I want to be brave and tell my friends what I love and value about them. I want them to know that I see them and I love them for who they are right now because life is better with them in it.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
C.S. Lewis
With gratitude,
Emily Smith
P.S. Have you experienced a time in your life when you’ve had fewer but better friendships? Share about it with us in the comments and consider sending this letter to a woman in your “best friends” tier!
Friendship Series, 20s: Life Raft Friendships by Nabil Tueme
Emily’s Past Letter
As I read your thoughts about the 30s, I reflected on my own experiences in my 30s and realized that you expressed much of what I felt at that time but was too busy to acknowledge then or, more importantly, learn from. Thank you for helping me gain some awareness of that time by looking through your clear lens and thus becoming able to appreciate parts of my past that I overlooked and their influence on who I am today. ❤️