Letter 173: Hard Conversations

"Not infrequently, I find myself in a position to have to break difficult news."

The last few years for me have been ripe with hard conversations. Earlier this year, I was trying to put into words what was happening with ICE in Minnesota for our three boys during dinner, but I couldn’t find the words without breaking down. How do you talk about the incomprehensible? Or talking to my incredible, nearly 80-year-old mom (and huge supporter of this Substack. Hi Mom!) about what she wants life to look like as she gets older. Each of those discussions left a sinking feeling in my stomach, with words catching in the back of my throat.

I’ll never be the one who knows what to say all the time. But as Emily shares with us today, I will continue to try. With practice comes ease? At least that’s what I’ll tell myself. —Molly

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“Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.”

Margaret Wheatley

As my children grew older, I admit the thought of having the “sex talk” with them filled me with a sense of dread. I know I am not alone in this. For me, it was not uncomfortable to think of explaining this topic to them. But I did have a hard time knowing what to discuss when.

I was raised in a culture that had very limited definitions of sex: it took place exclusively between a man and a woman, inside a marital relationship. I knew I wanted to give my children an understanding of much more than that, and that our conversations would hopefully encompass a broad swath of topics. This was important to me, both for the purposes of inclusivity and to educate them in a way that protected them from making ignorant mistakes.

Somewhat serendipitously, a graphic drawing found in a notebook helped spark some of our first conversations with my oldest kid. I’ll spare you the details of the drawing, but suffice it to say, we discussed a variety of types of penetrative intercourse, framed in a manner that respected the love between couples made up of various genders.

It was the sex conversation I had been hoping to have, inclusive and respectful, while remaining frank and informative. While it was far from comprehensive, it helped lay the groundwork for future conversations, creating a safe and nonjudgmental space for talking about something that is often taboo.

Silver lining of no fresh snow: clear views of Glacier National Park.

As it turns out, this has been an instance of life imitating art. Upon reflection, my work as an emergency physician has honed my skills in initiating and having hard conversations.

Not infrequently, I find myself in a position to have to break difficult news: you need surgery to remove that rectal foreign body; your vacation is ending with a broken leg; you have cancer; your loved one has died. I did receive some training on how to do this from empathetic teachers who recognized how important it is to do this thing well. But I have also had a lot of practice.

When breaking bad news, I find it essential to first find out what they already know. This helps you know where to start the story and can give you clues about their level of understanding to guide your conversation. Then you have to be clear: tell them exactly what happened, using definitive terms. Inevitably, there will be questions, and you have to make sure you set aside ample time to answer them.

The same rules apply to difficult conversations with my kids. Find out what they already know, tell them the truth, and leave time for questions.

I probably shouldn’t be, given that they ride the bus to and from public school, but I’ve been a little surprised by what my kids are learning from sources other than me. They hear a lot—positive and negative, true and false—from friends at school, from teachers, from random kids on the bus or in after-school sports.

It is so important, now more than ever, that we are all skilled in recognizing misinformation. I want to be a source of accurate information for them. But perhaps even more importantly, I want to teach them how to critically evaluate the information they encounter, so that they can remain appropriately skeptical and be good judges of validity.

Having the hard conversations has turned out to be a beautiful bonding experience for my kids and me. I feel relieved and honored to know that they saw me as a source of truth on the subject. I’ve said to them, “I am always happy to talk to you about this, and I will always tell you the truth.” So far, we have had a practice of openly answering any questions that come up, and I’m cautiously optimistic that they will continue to ask as they get older.

Time will tell.

“Brave leaders are never silent around hard things.”

Brene Brown

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Emily’s 5 Favorite Things:

• Pinch of Yum has been my go-to for dinner recipe ideas lately. I find her recipes full of flavor yet easy to make. Some recent faves are this chicken tikka bowl, this protein-packed chicken-and-lentil meal, and this appetizer.

• I know I’m not alone in this, but I play my New York Times games every day. My regulars are Wordle, Connections, Strands, The Mini, and Spelling Bee (in that order!). I love having a streak going, giving my days a semblance of routine. The brain power and longevity benefits are a bonus. I always love learning who else is out there puzzling on the daily. Maybe you do too.

• It was the weirdest, mildest winter ever in Montana. To stave off the seasonal depression, made worse by the lack of snow and limited outdoor winter activities, I treated myself to this super-soft cashmere sweater in a crazy-bright color. It feels like a happy hug.

  

  Turning 42 (wearing the sweater!) was not painful in the least.

• It’s a little embarrassing to admit I’m about 20 years late to the party, but I just recently discovered Girl Talk. This is a DJ who makes mashups of tons of songs that are absolute bangers. My gym routine has been completely amped by these tracks lately and I’m not mad about it. Only wish I had discovered it sooner.

• My husband used ChatGPT to discover a cocktail recipe the other day. While I remain an AI skeptic, I have to say, this Aperol Ranch Water hits. I love a spritz, but the Aperol variety doesn’t really do it for me. This cocktail is refreshing and colorful, and absolutely delicious. Not too sweet, not too bitter. Just right.

In gratitude,

Emily Fleming

P.S. One of our most viewed letters in the last five years was Emily’s essay on friendships ending. Check it out here.