Letter 137: Begin by Being Personal
When we learn through difficult lessons
Happy 2025!
Welcome back! It was a lovely break, but we cannot wait to share the many letters to come this year!
Like us, you may be reading all the things right now about starting the year off right — healthy eating, habits, beginnings — the lists are endless. Our own Emily Paine Smith returns today (hurrah!) to share her recent learnings about her relationships and trust. You may remember that Emily used to co-edit TLC with me but stepped away a while back to return to the classroom. I think you may find yourself in some parts of her story below, and I appreciate the valuable lessons that she shares so eloquently. —Molly
“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace.”
My last letter was all about 2023 being a nostalgic year for me. It was, but from July 2023 into the spring of 2024, I’ve had a lot of turmoil in my professional life. Last summer, my position was eliminated at a local business I really believed in. Only a few weeks later, I was offered the opportunity to return to teaching at my previous school with my beloved English department. I jumped at the chance! It was perfect. Too perfect, it seemed, to last, because the opportunity to continue for the following school year didn’t come to fruition.
I’ve had a tough go with work here lately, and it’s been hard for me to separate these eliminated positions in succession from me--my identity, my value, my connection with others and what I bring to the proverbial table. I’ve asked myself so many times why I’ve been the one that was easy to let go. And in darker moments I’ve thought to myself that I must be a loser.
It took a lot for me to return to work, even part-time, while my daughter was young, but I made that choice because of who was asking: friends. And in both instances, I was let down. Not so much in the reason why but in how the news was delivered. I’ve become flustered and disappointed with the lack of humanity these interactions inevitably include. At the end of the day, it all came down to the position I held rather than the person who held that position.
One of my favorite movies is You’ve Got Mail, which I think is criminally underrated. It’s easier to see it now as a period piece, a movie set in a time when the Internet was quaint, friendly, innocuous. As I’m sure you know, Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) has to close her bookshop because a big box book retailer has opened just around the corner. Of course, the twist is that she is writing anonymously to—and falling in love with—Joe Fox, the owner of said big box book retailer, on AOL Instant Messenger. But one thing she says to him amid this fallout has stuck with me through the years:
Joe Fox: It wasn't... personal.
Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's personal to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.
So many times lately, I’ve felt like there’s a lack of humanity or callousness in interactions. Relationships are so hard, but shouldn’t we just start with the personal—the mundane, the essence of connection? We’re all humans, after all. And it would be nice to treat each other with dignity.
Relationships are so hard, but shouldn’t we just start with the personal—the mundane, the essence of connection?
I think that’s one of the more difficult pieces of the fallout from working with and for friends: at some point, the “business” decision takes precedence over the personal relationship, and where can we possibly go from there? There’s certainly a way to make those decisions and keep each other’s dignities intact, but so few can navigate such tricky waters (myself included).
My biggest takeaway is that I’m trying to maneuver through my relationships with humility and less emphasis on myself. The way others treat me is a greater reflection on them than it is on me. And as Maya Angelou said, when someone shows me who they are, I will believe them.
And as for my work situation, I have a happy ending! I started a job teaching after-school programs at an American art museum in Fort Worth. I love it.
“All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow.”
—Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Emily’s 5 Favorite Things:
Beyond Good 70% Cocoa Bar. Omg. This chocolate bar is smooth, dark, and has notes of cherry. Not sure how they do it, because most dark chocolates I’ve had have been bitter, but not this one. It’s the perfect after-dinner treat.
Curél Deep Moisture Spray. This moisturizing spray has changed my life. I’m a dry skin girlie and would just keep slathering on more, more, more moisturizer until a pimple erupts. No more! I just mist this spray after my nighttime skin routine and again in the morning, and my skin has never felt more hydrated. Love.
Project Runway. Arguably one of the best reality shows to come out of the early aughts, Heidi, Tim, Michael, and Nina narrow a group of sixteen fashion designers to three to four designers to present a line at New York Fashion Week. Drama! Cringeworthy and impeccable fashion! Tim Gunn is the best mentor in American history! The entire back catalog is streaming on Peacock.
Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry. Yes, the cowboy book. All I can say is wow. Truly one of the greatest books ever written. I can’t even think about it without tearing up! It's sweeping and epic, yet also intimate and intricate. The chapters introducing Clara are among some of the best literature I've ever experienced. It's Willa Cather; it's The Odyssey. McMurtry is one of the few male writers who write women characters to be fully realized and believable. A masterpiece.
Chris and I watched the miniseries (also from the 80s) on Peacock after I finished the book, and it was also great! But nothing can live up to the novel.
Butter. I’ve been making my own butter from heavy whipping cream in my Kitchenaid mixer. (So easy!) It’s fun, takes about 15 minutes, and is such a flex. (Why yes, I did make my own butter.) I usually salt it and roll it into a tube using parchment paper, but you could pat it into a block or even use a wood or silicone mold. So cute!
Happiest New Year!
Emily
P.S. Emily’s beautiful past letters shared about the value of kindness (Letter 3) and trusting the fewer, but better(!), friendships in our lives (Letter 32).
Wow. Tough year Emily. Thanks for sharing with us. I am wondering where your friendships stand today? I’m so glad you have found a job that you love!
A good reminder of how little we can control, even in the life avenue (career) that we ~think~ is oh so controllable.
And thank you for the face mist rec -- my skin is peeling / shedding in the northeastern winds but so sensitive to too many product layers. Eager to try!