Letter 120: Changing Roles
When we continue to blossom
Emily Fleming’s letters are a gift. Her thoughtful insights and ability to cut through the noise are gifts to her readers. I appreciate her willingness to speak up and write fearlessly about what matters most. I’m reminded of Anne Lamott’s words when I think of Emily and her willingness to dive deep:
“If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act—truth is always subversive.”
May we all continue to speak to our truths. —Molly
“It is literally impossible to be a woman.”
—America Ferrera, excerpted from her Barbie movie monologue
Some days I agree with America Ferrera. Living in a world governed by Patriarchy feels unsustainable. The overturning of Roe v. Wade was an insulting and life-threatening assault on bodily autonomy. Infuriatingly, when they do become mothers, research supports that women in the workplace are penalized.
In addition, our country is increasingly becoming a hostile environment for families, with rising childcare costs forcing people to leave the workforce in droves. The gender pay gap persists, despite increasing awareness surrounding the issue. I could go on: we haven’t touched on the beauty industry.
And yet, I find reason to hope. We gained ground as the #metoo movement demanded that men be held accountable for sexual assault, resulting in a major culture shift, where now even inappropriate humor is no longer acceptable.
In soccer news, the U.S. Women’s National Team successfully settled their class action suit against the U.S. Soccer Federation, resulting in a lump sum back payment, and the assurance that men’s and women’s teams would be paid equally moving forward.
2023 was dubbed The Year of the Girl, as girl math, girl dinners, and hot girl walks pervaded social media. Major contributors to this theme were also the Barbie movie, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, and Beyonce’s Renaissance. And these are just a few examples.
Despite all the challenges we face as women—and they do feel innumerable—we still currently live in a world where the nuance and complexity of the female experience are celebrated more than ever. Film and television feature female characters who are beautifully flawed and irresistibly interesting. Women hold domains in government office, in positions of leadership, and in the public eye, even as they advance in age, seemingly demonstrating that wisdom and experience have even more value than youth and beauty.
Growing up I was left with the distinct impression that to age was to diminish: diminish in beauty, diminish in ability, diminish in utility. With age came wisdom, yes, but at a cost. I can’t quite pinpoint the origin of this narrative, but I think I subconsciously carried this presupposition—and its accompanying sense of dread—with me into my fortieth birthday. It was as if turning 40 would somehow immediately turn me into a crone.
This January, I spent the week after my 40th birthday in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, returning to the place where I was born with my family by my side. Being there imbued me with a deep sense of belonging that no other place on earth had yet been able to provide. Playing on the beach with my kids made me feel youthful and alive. It felt like the beginning of a new chapter, this new decade. I was delightfully surprised by my own optimism and anticipation for the future.
Though aging has historically been cast in a negative light, especially for women, I feel like it’s time for a rebrand. Life cycles are similar to a bell-shaped curve, building up to a peak before slowly fading away. Flowers do this, and humans do too. All I’m saying is maybe we don’t reach our peak at the age of 22. Ruth Bader Ginsburg shaped history as a Supreme Court Justice until her death at age 87. Beyoncé famously rejected the idea that women should mourn the end of their 30s in an impassioned letter to fans on her own 40th birthday. And J.Lo absolutely slayed that pole dance in Hustlers at age 50.
“Women grow radical with age. One day an army of gray haired women may quietly take over the earth.”
—Gloria Steinem
We are systematically dismantling archaic and harmful patriarchal beliefs about women, little by little. Though it often may feel (as in the case of the Dobbs decision) that we take two steps forward and three steps back, slow progress is inarguably being made.
Women have been too easily confined to ageist boxes: too young to be useful, too old to be beautiful. But our roles are forever expanding. Each new generation of women stands on the shoulders of the women who have come before them, building on their successes and moving the needle in the right direction. Despite an abundance of evidence to the contrary, I would argue that it’s actually a fantastic time to be a woman, particularly one who is aging. Or as I prefer to view it, continuing to bloom.
Emily’s 5 Five Favorite Things
TIME Magazine named Taylor Swift their 2023 Person of the Year. I won’t pretend to be unbiased, but I found the article fascinating and well written, delightfully peppered with photos of Swift and her cats. Taylor’s business savvy is undisputed, and I loved what she had to say about female art. “What fuels a patriarchal society? Money, the flow of revenue, the economy. So actually, if we’re going to look at this in the most cynical way possible, feminine ideas becoming lucrative means that more female art will get made. It’s extremely heartening.”
Jen Hatmaker wrote a recent blog post about her daughters and the next generation of women, who are already far ahead of their predecessors in knowing their worth and standing up for themselves. I loved realizing that women younger than me are already embodying truths it took me most of my life to learn. This pattern holds true with my own daughter, and it gives me great hope.
I recently tore my ACL in a ski accident and had surgical reconstruction just a few weeks ago. I love TikTok as a resource for post-op workouts and exercises I can do while recovering, in conjunction with whatever my physical therapist tells me to do. :) They can pry this app from my cold, dead fingers.
Quick shoutout to the Marco Polo app for singlehandedly making long-distance relationships feel much more doable.
Forever a savory breakfast fan, I’ve been adding this chili crisp oil to my eggs (loosely inspired by this recipe). I love starting off the day with a spicy and savory bang.
In gratitude,
Emily Fleming
P.S. Emily on the importance of rest and when we respectfully disagree with one another.
