Letter 49: Changing, Renewing, & Rejuvenating Ourselves
Letter 49: Changing, Renewing, & Rejuvenating Ourselves
When we take time to rest
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Happy National Cheese Souffle Day! Did you know it was National Cheese Souffle Day? I did not until I Googled it, and now all I can think about is cheese souffle. Especially this one.
It is wonderful to have Emily Fleming back as the author of this week’s letter.
As I (Emily Smith) can attest, the summer break many teachers receive (or, rather, earn) is the main reason why teachers continue to teach. Without that break, the weight of the school year would feel like too much. And while those pre-pandemic school years in which I taught were intense, they are nothing compared to these covid years, and even paler still for those, like Emily, who are in the thick of the devastating effects of covid.
I admire Emily in how she writes here about realizing that she needed a break for her own health and sanity. I love this quote by American writer and editor Susan L. Taylor. She writes, “We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly—spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order.”
I know that we can all relate to Emily’s dilemma of needing quiet time to reset our priorities. Thank you for sharing, Emily! —Emily Smith
“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise, we harden.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Last October, after a year and a half of practicing emergency medicine during a global pandemic, I was nearing the end of my rapidly unraveling rope. The pace of my medical practice was unsustainable, and my empathy—that I had valued as quintessential to my work as a physician—was drying up. I was building up walls to shield myself from the trauma of the suffering and death I was bearing witness to on a regular basis. I was irritable, tearful, depressed, and angry a lot of the time. I felt like a shell of myself, someone I didn’t recognize when I looked in the mirror. And I hated it.
So I took action and asked for time off.
The reasons behind my math are still a mystery to me, but I figured a month might be long enough to recharge and help me remember who I am and why I do what I do. In retrospect, that seems like a tall order for just one month. I called it a sabbatical because that made it sound academic and purposeful, though it wasn’t the most accurate characterization, as my time off was unpaid. But I didn’t care. It was what I asked for, and what I got. The month of March was mine.
Many people asked me what I was going to do with my time off. For so many, a month off of work should immediately translate into taking a bucket list trip, tackling a home project, or accomplishing some goal. They often seemed disappointed by my answer, which was, “I’m going to not be at work.” Initially, it felt like that was all I would need. To be able to orchestrate how I spent my time without the constraint and obligation of a job seemed like a dream come true.
Then I remembered that I have a family.
While I was very much looking forward to spending more time with my family, I recognized that a woman’s free time often winds up spent in service of her family by default. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my precious month off cooking and cleaning (even more than usual). I sat down with intention and thought about what I hoped to accomplish and how I wanted to see it play out.
What I needed more than anything was rejuvenation. I needed to return to myself, to remember all the pieces of my soul and spirit that had lain dormant while I was busy putting one foot in front of the other. I needed to play, to meditate, to spend time with friends that knew the me I was trying to rediscover. I needed to just be.
The Italians call this il dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothing. Though I married into an Italian family, I first encountered this concept while reading Eat Pray Love. As dreamy as it sounded to follow in Elizabeth Gilbert’s footsteps and lazily while away an afternoon people-watching in a Roman piazza, I really needed to uncouple my sense of worth from my ability to be productive.
So I skied. I tossed a Nerf football with my four-year-old son. I watched my kids at their ice skating lessons. I meditated. I did hot yoga. I spent a night by myself in a tiny house Airbnb in a neighboring town, and took myself out to dinner, splurging on the good glass of wine. I watched the sunrise. I read for fun. I started a jigsaw puzzle that I have yet to finish.
For the first time in my life, I was intentional about filling my days with things that served no other purpose but to bring me joy.
Too often we take on tasks that are disguised as rejuvenating activities in service of helping us achieve our dreams. But working toward a worthy goal is still work. Good work. Worthwhile work. But still, work. Time off is granted, but using it to rest is often not intuitive. Maybe this is why they call it taking time to rest. It must be taken, with intention.
My time off did for me exactly what I had hoped it would. I healed. I remembered why I do what I do. I recognize the face in the mirror again, and it wears a smile a lot more than it used to. Perhaps even more importantly, I learned how to stop and rest. It’s a skill I’m still honing, but I’m practicing a lot more often these days. I have given myself permission to taste the sweetness of doing nothing. And friends, it is so good.
“When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
Emily’s Five Favorite Things
For months now, I’ve been tempted to try out the utility jumpsuit trend. I finally pulled the trigger on this gem from Faherty. I went for the light indigo wash and it’s going with everything. It is exquisitely comfortable, has a bit of stretch, as well as an internal drawstring that helps define the waist ever so slightly. I can see myself wearing it all spring, and even into summer on cooler days.
One of my favorite recipes over the past few years has been this Chicken in Riesling, a variation of coq au vin. With leeks in season, it’s the perfect time to make it. I recently served it to my entire family and even the kids gave it the stamp of approval. I use bone-in chicken thighs and drumsticks, and serve the drumsticks to the kids. My daughter said it was the best-cooked carrots she’s ever had. Great success.
Lately, I’ve had a book I’m actually reading, and another audiobook cued up, so I can listen on my AirPods while I’m doing chores or while driving around running errands. My current audiobook is Braiding Sweetgrass. The author Robin Wall Kemmerer is an indigenous woman and a botanist who illustrates the ways in which we can more healthily interact with the Earth and our immediate natural environment. Her voice is deeply soothing, and her book delivers a message of hope that is both poetic and scientifically grounded. I’m halfway through and loving it.
Our family has been compiling a summer playlist for the past few years. It started with a collection of songs in 2018 that my children—then four and one—liked to dance to, a mix of Disney hits and KidzBop. It has since evolved into a larger collection of current bangers and classic rock that we jam to all season long. I love looking back on playlists of years past, letting the songs transport me to where we were and remember what we were doing then. We’re still working on this year’s, but last summer’s collection can be found here.
With endless options on multiple streaming services and platforms, it can be tricky to weed through the chaff and find something to watch. In the interest of reducing your scroll time, here are a few quality series that I have really loved. Surely you’ve heard about Ted Lasso, but in case you haven’t, let me point you in this direction first. We have watched each season several times over, finding new things to love every time. It is uplifting, funny, heartfelt, and fabulous. Hacks is a series I binged during my downtime on a night shift, and I genuinely missed the characters when it ended. Season two started streaming last week! For lovers of Yellowstone, 1883 is a limited series origin story that truly stands alone. It was beautifully done and absolutely heart-wrenching. We loved it and wish there were more.
With gratitude,
Emily Fleming
P.S. Have you ever taken a sabbatical or an extended break? What helped you, as Emily says, “take time,” to intentionally rest and rejuvenate?
Wonderful!