Letter 116: No Perfect Formula
When we contemplate "success"
Happy Wednesday!
Today’s letter is all heart. And that’s exactly who Nicole is — pure heart. Nicole shares so eloquently about a difficult transition period, and I fully believe she does this for the benefit of our readers. While I know that Nicole has done her work, I also know that she believes her story can help others who may be battling their own “checklists.” May we all learn to give ourselves this ever-important grace and patience throughout our most trying journeys. —Molly
Get to high school and make the varsity soccer team? Check.
Go to junior and senior year prom with my cutie high school boyfriend? Check.
Graduate and head off to college? Check.
Join a sorority and enjoy all the functions & friends? Double Check.
Major in teaching and breeze through classes? Check.
Graduate college & get accepted into a Masters program? Check.
Graduate with my Masters and get a dream teaching job in my dream city? Check.
Love said job and stay at it forever? …..
Find a man and fall in love? ……
Get married and have babies? ……
Buy a dream house and live happily ever after? …..
What’s a girl to do when the “Checklist of a Successful Life” fails to check out?
Maybe your checklist looked different than mine, but for me, growing up in the southern Christian, Tennessee bubble, these were the perceived requirements of success I felt surrounded me as I grew up and matured.
As the oldest child (deemed by my siblings growing up as “The Perfect Child”), I master tasks, checklists, and getting things right. Tell me what needs to be done and your girl is on it.
This “Perfect Child” facade worked for a long while. I was checking the boxes and well on my way to completing the “Checklist of a Successful Life” that would lead to my happily ever after. But then, everything fell apart.
I found a man and got engaged, only to figure out that I wasn’t in love after all. I realized this “dream job” wasn’t what I imagined it to be - it was actually causing extreme amounts of unhealthy stress and anxiety.
This led to the darkest season of my life.
After calling off my wedding and stepping away from my first teaching job, I felt like a failure. If I couldn’t complete the next steps of the checklist, what else was there to do? In my mind, not only was I disappointing myself, but I was also disappointing everyone around me. This led to the darkest season of my life.
With so many of my “success checks” undone, I felt like I was swimming in a sea of purposelessness. What followed was a season of confusion and depression.
Thanks to an amazing therapist, an insightful psychiatrist, and the most gracious friends and family, I was able to slowly climb my way out of this pit of despair. While I climbed my way out, several things needed to be left behind. At the top of the list was my “Checklist of a Successful Life.”
I realized that there is no perfect formula for success or how to live your life, despite what those around you may say. My therapist helped me realize that I can choose what I want to do next — despite what society might say.
Instead of viewing the events in my life as failures, I could shift my perspective and view them as opportunities.
Instead of succumbing to the pressure of society’s checklist, I had the power to define success for myself.
I can replace “love my job and stay at it forever” to “make choices that work best for me in this season.”
I could replace “find a man and fall in love” with “find myself and have the confidence to live in who I am.”
I could replace “get married and have babies” with “surround myself with people who love and support the most vulnerable version of me.”
Now, don’t get me wrong - I still desire to find that man, fall in love, and have a family of my own. However, I now know that these things aren’t what define me. I’m not a failure of a human because I don’t have these things and I wouldn’t be more “successful” if I did.
The freedom to live life outside of the pressure to conform has led to so many opportunities and experiences that I never could have imagined for myself. I found out that I love to travel. I learned the importance of befriending and expressing my emotions. I realized I needed a mindset shift when it came to moving my body in healthy, enjoyable ways. Things that would have never come to fruition if it wasn’t for the “failure” I experienced just a few years ago.
As part of my healing journey, I attended many group therapy sessions. Whenever it was a group member’s last day, the lead therapist would give him or her a word to take with them as they ventured out into the world. Most people received words such as strong or persistent or honest.
On my last day, when it was time to give me a parting word, the therapist said messy. Others in the group looked surprised and uncomfortable with such an unexpected word, but I knew exactly what he meant.
As I left the group, I could let go of the pressure to be the “perfect child” and embrace the messier parts of myself. I could give myself the freedom to try new things without the pressure of a checklist or expectations.
So I leave you with the same word — messy. Ditch the checklist and be willing to get a little messy.
Nicole’s 5 Favorite Things
This Dohm sleep machine helps me sleep like a baby - so much so that I got the portable version to take on trips with me!
I have loved tuning in to The Armchair Expert “Synced” Podcast Series with Monica Padman & Liz Plank. Listening to Liz and Monica chat is like eavesdropping on your two best friends during Happy Hour. They are funny, vulnerable, and relatable.
Glossier’s Cloud Paint Blush is a liquid blush that gives ample color. I use the Storm shade, but it comes in so many beautiful colors, and the tube of blush seems to last forever.
Experience Onsite’s Instagram posts the best resources for mental health tips. I’ve really enjoyed the questions they provide to ask yourself and your loved ones to check in and build connections.
Urban Indulgence, a Memphis-based, woman-owned skincare shop, sells my favorite body butter, sugar scrub, and body oil. I’m partial to the Cocoa Butter Cashmere scent. They use all-natural ingredients, so you know exactly what you’re putting on your skin.
In gratitude,
Nicole Van de Vuurst
P.S. Learning from other women’s journeys is the entire purpose of The Learning Curve. Mary Alexander shares about her relationship with food here and Emily shares about the nuances of motherhood here.
