Letter 38: A Fearful Grip

When the toxic patterns hold us

March has arrived!

Spring is (hopefully) just around the corner and with that in mind, we have a whole new batch of fresh letters for you. I’m so excited for what awaits! Today’s letter is a beautiful piece written by a friend of mine, Mary Alexander (MA) Satterfield. I’m incredibly grateful for her willingness to be vulnerable in this space where I believe many others will recognize parts of themselves in her story.

I met MA through her mom, Stephanie, who became a close friend of mine when we moved to Memphis in 2017. I call Stephanie my “fairy godmother” so that tells you about the role she plays in my life. Stephanie and MA are truly some of the kindest, most gentle, and thoughtful women I’ve met in the South. And it’s easy to see why MA is the way she is when you meet her mom. The two of them have epitomized the saying “arms wide open” to an outsider like me. They put family, love, and honesty at the core of all that they do and it radiates outward in their relationships. This very truth and beauty are exposed firsthand in today’s letter. I encourage you to share it with others who may need to read it. —Molly

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My first memory where I worried about food was when I was sixteen years old. I feel lucky that I lasted that long. I started working out two days a week with a trainer and quickly, I noticed how great I felt after exercising. Soon, I was exercising more and eating less. Something that started out as a healthy habit slowly turned into something that controlled my daily life.

I began to realize, as my body changed in my teenage years, that friends and family started to make comments about my body. While these comments were meant as compliments, they subliminally changed my thoughts. I thought that if people liked the way I looked after working out, what would they think if I went back to the way I used to look? I noticed the difference in the mirror and responded positively.

I went from being a carefree teenager to restricting certain foods out of my diet. When I let myself indulge, I would exercise in fear of what I thought the food might do. It was a vicious cycle that I portrayed in my mind as normal. I thought the way I was living was better for me and that I was doing myself a favor by being so “healthy.” 

I began putting foods in categories in my mind. It was either “good” or “bad” and if I let myself have something “bad,” I would exercise for hours and mentally punish myself. The next thing I knew, I was scared of certain foods, restaurants, social situations, and traveling. I can remember my boyfriend (who is now my husband) wanting to go to his favorite restaurant—a typical Mexican restaurant. I refused to go there because there wasn’t anything “healthy” to eat. We laugh about it now, but we didn’t eat at a Mexican restaurant for almost two years. I was a teenage girl, afraid of things someone at that age should love.

No one in my circle of family and friends knew how bad it was, including me. I even remember my mom saying she wanted to go to Greece as a family (Hello! Greece?! I would give anything to go there now.) and I had a full-blown panic attack. How would I exercise in Greece? How would I eat healthfully? We would be gone for two weeks...how could I leave my routine? 

MA and her mom, Stephanie, traveling in 2016

At 17 years old, I started seeing a therapist. My mom could tell that I was struggling based on my mood swings and anxiety. Soon my therapist diagnosed me with a disordered relationship with eating and exercise. I honestly didn’t believe her. This was around the same time that my best friend pulled me aside and said, “You look like a skeleton.” I was hurt and told myself she was just jealous. 

I was in complete denial. 

This toxic pattern with eating and exercising followed me to college. I was terrified of gaining the “Freshman 15.” I immediately joined a gym, found the healthiest places I could eat on campus, and never allowed myself to eat late (like a normal college student). I simply wasn’t living. 

Each day was extreme. I worked out religiously and never gave my body a break. If anything during the day didn’t happen as planned, I was rattled. If I accidentally slept through my alarm and missed my workout, that day was ruined. I would think about that missed workout all day long. 

I look back on that first year of college with so many regrets about memories I missed because I was worried about what I would eat, drink, and feel like in the morning (What if I miss my workout?) By the end of my freshman year, I was miserable. I was unhappy with myself, my relationships, and the whole idea of college. I wanted to transfer schools and never look back.

Soon, my mom had me see the therapist again (I thank God that I have a mom who understands anxiety and believes in therapy). I knew I was ready for a change. 

I was ready to live a fuller life. I knew I had to step out of my comfort zone and be uncomfortable with letting go of control. For so long, I felt like I was the one driving my life and if I asked for help, I would have lost control and crashed. 

With my work in therapy and a lot of time, I started to loosen my grip on always having control.  Through therapy, I learned that the “What If” statements I told myself were only hurting me. How often did these worries really come true? How happy was I? Was I truly living?   

Toward the end of my freshman year of college, a travel company came to speak to my sorority. They were promoting trips for exploration, growth, and learning about the world. I felt God knocking on my heart.

And guess what I did? I went to Greece. I was so scared of the unknown. I had never been abroad. I had never taken a trip like this because of the fear I held onto for so long. But I knew that this was it. This was the time to do it. I was so ready to change. 

I held onto some of my unhealthy habits that trip. I exercised and didn’t get french fries on my gyro (still kicking myself for this!) but I let go of so much fear. While traveling, I wasn’t in control, and because of that, it was the best thing I did for myself. I proved to myself that I could do the things that I had feared for so long. I traveled to an unknown place, I ate gelato, I didn’t wake up and exercise every single morning. By doing these things, I let go of so much. And I even went bungee jumping. (Who is this girl?! I was/am so proud of her!) These things may seem so small, but at the time they were huge to me. I lived a life for so long that was riddled with fear and restraint. 

I returned from Greece freer. I went back to the college that I thought I hated and worked on those relationships that I once resented because of my own baggage. I went into my sophomore year an entirely different person. 

Sophomore year was my favorite year of college, and it was also the year The Hungry Hooker was born. The Hungry Hooker is a food blog I created based on my maiden name “Hooker.” I share (mostly) healthy, yet fulfilling, recipes. I started cooking for myself that year and it was then that I realized I could have food that was not only healthy but also filling. I ate things like rice and potatoes, which were foods I had once feared. I finally found happiness that year. Who would ever think that a girl with an eating disorder would have a food blog?! 

Enjoying french fries in New York City!

And now, my food blog is one of my life's greatest gifts. I’ve connected with so many women about their own journeys with food. Being able to share with these women that they are not alone and that they too can overcome their struggles is a gift. For me, struggling with eating and exercise felt so vain and pretentious, but I’ve learned it’s truly about so much more. 

This is a struggle with fear, control, and self-worth. It’s okay to feel broken inside. You can feel whole again. 

I’ve learned there is so much more to life. I’ve missed so many opportunities because of fear. Many of my favorite memories are around a table with people I love. Sharing a meal with those you love can be so sacred and it is not something to be missed because you’re worried about the food on your plate. Something that I remind myself often from Alex Snodgrass, the author of one of my favorite food blogs The Defined Dish, is to “nourish, not punish.” She preaches to let go of the behavior where we let ourselves overindulge and then after we beat ourselves up by restricting, cleansing, and dieting. 

Toxic thoughts do creep back in from time to time, but they are much easier to push out now. I recognize them and stop to think why I may be feeling this way. Am I anxious about something? Has someone hurt my feelings? Am I insecure about something? Typically, I realize that something is making me feel this way. Recognizing the thought and finding the reason behind it helps.

I’ve finally come to accept that I would rather live a full life of joy, happiness, and new recipes than a life deprived of these things, but with a smaller, unhealthy body. 

MA’s Five Favorite Things

• Alex Snodgrass from The Defined Dish is my favorite food blogger. She inspired me to make The Hungry Hooker and her recipes taught me to eat foods I love with cleaner and healthier ingredients! She is a must-follow! 

• This tortellini soup is my go-to recipe in the winter and is arguably the most cooked Hungry Hooker recipe to date! 

• The “Have A Great Day” playlist from Spotify is the ultimate mood booster! Roll down the windows on a beautiful day and play this loud. You won't regret it!

• The cup I don’t leave the house without! I was heavily influenced to buy this Stanley tumbler and it has changed my life (yes, it’s that good!). It holds 40 oz. of water, fits in a cup holder, has a straw AND a handle! It sells out quickly so be sure to join the waitlist! 

• This pair of tennis shoes have quickly become my favorite because of the style and comfort! 

Help, please!

I am 21 weeks pregnant with my first child – it's a girl and we are over the moon! This first time Mama needs all the help. What is your must-have baby item? (Share your suggestions in the comments please!)

Resources to Consider

• Visit here to seek treatment options for disordered eating.

• Many websites offer information about disordered eating. Some of those include National Eating Disorders Association, The Body Positive, and the Eating Recovery Center.

• Michaela Putala is an anti-diet Registered Nutritionist with an incredible Instagram profile full of resources to help break the restrict-binge cycle of diet culture.

• Natalie Borton, a jewelry designer, style blogger, and influencer, says our appearance is the least interesting thing about us. On her Instagram, she frequently discusses her struggles with body positivity and recommends resources for those who are also struggling.

• Consider BetterHelp for accessible affordable therapy options.

• Glennon Doyle recently opened up about her disordered eating relapse on her podcast. The two episodes (here and here) were impactful and important.

• The complicated relationship between eating disorders and social media.

• Considering online support options? This is a great article.

With gratitude,

MA Satterfield

Previous posts on the topic of loving our current bodies

Letter 8: Instrument, Not Ornament

Letter 7: Letting Go