Letter 94: Old(er) People + Me
When we surrender to time
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Happy Wednesday!
Sarah Wheeler is back this week with a lovely letter on the passage of time and intergenerational friendships. In my own life, friendships with women from different generations have had an incredible impact on me. As Sarah suggests, “If you’re young, find some old people who will talk to you like friends. If you’re old, find some lost girl in her 20s. You might find you’ll learn more from each other than you expect.” —Emily
Click below to hear Sarah read her letter:
There are two very important rituals in my life: Wednesday night book club and Thursday night wine tastings.
I enjoy book club and wine like everybody else. But last week, I realized the reason I faithfully attend these gatherings is to see three women: Barbara, Marjorie, and Jeanette.
If these names sound slightly like they don’t belong in the 90s name category of my peers, it’s because they don’t. These women are all well into their 70s.
It’s kinda funny, and very on the nose, that in my 20s, my favorite parts of my week are when I get to be in the presence of old people. Considering my current favorite hobbies are sewing and knitting, this does make sense.
I honestly mean this: I think one of the biggest problems in the world today is that young people don’t spend enough time with old people. And your grandparents don’t count.
It’s a weird feeling going from a world where everyone around you is either your peer/fellow student/friend or your professor/overlord who could ruin your life, to people of all ages being your equals. In my life now, people who I used to call “yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir” are now my coworkers, friends, people I share my life with in book club, and people I get drinks with. Nobody talks about how strange and wonderful this transition is.
Week after week, I spend Wednesdays with a range of women from 24 (me) to 70ish (Barbara and Marjorie) and a lot of moms-in-their-30s in between.
When I went on that first Wednesday, it felt like we had absolutely nothing in common. I was newly starting out in my career, these women were raising families or retired. I was newly married, these women had been at it for decades. I felt at a loss with myself, disconnected from the things that keep me tethered, and these women totally had it all together. Plus, if you read my last essay here, you know that I was/am (?) in the midst of my post-grad life crisis where I have no idea what my purpose or point in life is, everything is falling apart, etc. And by 30 (much less 70) these women knew exactly what they were supposed to be doing with their lives, right?
That is, until one by one, women shared that their impressive 30-year marriages weren’t as dreamy as I pictured. Moms shared feelings of frustration with their kids that didn’t match their soft-spoken easy-going appearance. When I asked one week, “Do you guys feel like you know what you’re doing with your lives?” I was met with laughter and heads shaking “God, no.”
And then, when I walk to wine tastings on Thursday at 5:00 around the block from my apartment, I talk to Jeanette, who works there a few times a week just because she enjoys it and has the time. No reason, no goal, just fun.
What I’m trying to say is—week after week, there are rituals in my life that remind me life is not linear. I am not climbing a ladder to the top, I am not on a rocket ship to Mars, and I am not graduating through the phases of life. With each passing year, I do not get prettier, smarter, funnier, more successful, richer, happier, better.
I used to think, “Yes, there are peaks and valleys in life, but after you climb each mountain, the peaks are supposed to get taller. The valleys not so low. I should be stronger! I should have better maps and gear and knowledge of how to get to and stay on top!” Life used to be step-by-step up the stairs to the pedestal, and it feels now a little more like I’m running in circles. You can’t really run in circles and move in a straight, upward trajectory at the same time.
I’m pretty sure the best way to learn this is through old church ladies and bartenders. I thought that every week, Barbara and Marjorie, and Jeanette would tell me how awesome, easy, luxurious, fun, and happy their lives are. They never struggle with what I struggle with, they’ve graduated. While I still wrestle with insecurities, fears, frustrations, doubts, and failure, these women have “figured it out.”
Then Marjorie will tell us about how she cusses God out, gets angry at little things, and wonders, “After all this time, is this it?” This aged, experienced woman asks the same questions and has the same reactions I do in my daily life.
The difference between old ladies and myself isn’t what I thought. It isn’t an easier or better life, and it isn’t a gentler, better attitude. The difference, of course, is time. Time doesn’t make us more exceptional, but it seems to give a deeper knowledge. These women don’t always react better to difficult circumstances like I hope I will, but they are unsurprised by them. Marjorie knows better than I do that life is challenging, and yet she keeps moving through it and sees goodness. She’s not expecting things to get better, she’s just expecting that when things are bad, the world isn’t over. She will keep laughing, carpooling with Barbara, singing, and learning, even at 70.
Anyway, my advice: if you’re young, find some old people who will talk to you like friends. If you’re old, find some lost girl in her 20s. You might find you’ll learn more from each other than you expect.
Sarah’s 5 Favorite Things
Sarah is on a pretty fabulous extended vacation in Lisbon at the moment!
Getting absurd amounts of sleep (9+ hours)!
Ice cream for breakfast:
Pachinko by Min Jin Lee
Poet Priest album by Andy Squyers
“Matins” poem by Louise Gluck
With gratitude,
Sarah Wheeler
P.S. Take a moment to read Sarah’s previous letters, How to Change the World and A Year of Hope.
Enjoyed reading this. Well-expressed ideas and, I think, truths about intergenerational relationships. I think about what a blessing our friendship has been to me over the years.