Letter 54: Changing Directions
Letter 54: Changing Directions
When we trust ourselves
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Summertime is in full swing!
I’m so honored to share today’s important piece of writing from my former student, Ionna. Even at the tender age of 16, Ionna exuded strength and power. A tenacious student athlete all throughout high school and college, Ionna never shied away from using her voice and body to project power and might. Her story, a difficult one about domestic violence, also shows that no one is exempt from the dark web of abuse. While Ionna’s story is ultimately one of triumph, I wanted to share that this may be triggering to those of you who have experienced abuse at the hands of a partner. At the end of today’s letter, we share resources for you or someone you may know that might need help. As Ionna illustrates so profoundly here—it’s never too late to trust yourself and make the difficult decisions to save your own life. —Molly
“When we surrender our right to choose, we give others not just the power but also the explicit permission to choose for us.”
Greg Mckeown
Being light on my feet was an essential skill for me to compete in basketball. Light on my feet meant that I could react, stop, and change directions quickly. Who knew that skill would be so useful in my life as an adult. From a girl who has been reborn and living her second life, I want to emphasize that at any point: a person can pivot. And that might be the best decision ever made.
Allow me to offer some context of my life today, so perhaps my own pivot is better understood. I first started modeling in 2017, during a time after which I had just closed a chapter in my life as an athlete at Pacific Lutheran University. While attending school and playing basketball at PLU, I was introduced to modeling, doing jobs here and there. I did it for an extra check; it was new and exciting, and cool to casually explore. Never did I expect it to turn into anything serious, and I definitely it to become what empowered me and ultimately saved my life. It felt kind of like a joke. I never looked at myself as a professional model because I grew up with the understanding that my body wasn’t acceptable.
Fast forward to today: I work full time as a plus size model, truly understanding what it means to walk in my power and represent women who have not historically fit the status quo of a predetermined idea of beauty. I’ve worked for incredible brands such as Gap, SavageX Fenty, Nordstrom, Marshalls, and Macy’s. Recently, I moved into my very own place in LA county and am building a life that nurtures my soul. Not everyone is meant to be a model. But everyone has a deciding moment(s) in their life that are pivotal; my choice to become a model happens to be mine.
What I share next may be triggering for others who have experienced domestic violence or abuse. For the longest time I wanted to keep my trauma to myself. After all it was MY trauma. Through my own work, I’ve realized that this part of my story was meant to be shared and I shouldn't be embarrassed because if one person can be moved by my story, it can change someone's outcome.
Even if I sometimes feel like I've done nothing significant enough to be looked at as a role model, I know young girls and women can learn from me, and it is important to share my story.
I met him the week before my 18th birthday. He was my boss at a part time job I had before my freshman year of college. He was seven years older than me, 25—a grown man. Rarely does anyone talk about grooming, yet we all seem to have some sort of experience with it. I didn't know it at the time, but a narcissist had just walked into my life. It began as a barrage of love and attention and we were inseparable from the moment we met. Every girl’s dream. Then, as abusive relationships do, it changed—very quickly.
He preyed on my insecurities first, and would confuse me into thinking my understanding of the way life worked was somehow wrong. Confusion was a constant state of mind. Then it turned physical. He hit me for the first time and I peed a little bit upon impact. I remember looking down and seeing my nose bleed.
He worked to convince me that it was all my fault, and I’ll never forget him saying, “Don't lean into it.” He then motioned leaning backwards as if he was my boxing coach and he was teaching me how to split a punch. He had the answers to all of my problems and became the master key to unlocking my potential for happiness.
I was caught in this web for seven years—from a child to a young adult. Even from the beginning, I knew the situation wasn't healthy, so I made excuses to justify his actions to others. I knew I needed to get out; I just didn't know how.
Four years into our relationship and at the end of my college basketball career, I started modeling. I honestly believe that tiny decision saved my life. Soon after I started modeling, he was no longer the only thing that validated me, or made me feel beautiful and worthy.
My instant desire to be a competitive force of nature in this new-to-me industry illustrated that when I put myself first, and showed up as my best self, I felt l powerful and divine. When he saw me stepping into my power, things would get rocky in our relationship. At those times, I knew manipulation and abuse were right around the corner.
I don’t remember the exact timeline, but there was a last time he hit me, a last time he cheated on me, and a last time he made me feel stupid. That “last time” was my pivotal moment. It wasn’t as climactic as it may seem. And it all happened because I had made a choice and stuck to that choice. For so long, I was refusing to choose, I would half choose and end up going back again and again. I finally chose myself and started over.
I moved to California within two weeks of leaving him for good. It was an uncertain time at first, but I learned to love myself. This decision to move and begin modeling full time had huge implications on my life.
I realized that my life was never about other people's approval, it was about my approval of myself.
The reality of everyday life as a model is about 15% Hollywood glam moments and the rest is so hard. Body dysmorphia, comparisons, mind games, business decisions—the list goes on. Not to mention that social media has become something that can excel a model’s career; while at the same time, everyone knows how self sabotaging social media can be.
But when one’s body and image become a person’s source of income, the effect magnifies and a person can easily critique oneself into a deep depression. It’s important that I stay strong and remember how far I have come. All of this to say that the choice to choose yourself comes with its different challenges.
Accepting where you are right now doesn't mean that you are succumbing to the circumstances or stuck in a situation. Accepting means acknowledging that it might be time to reconsider a different path. Our existence on this earth as women isn't for others.
Yes, I was young, and I didn’t necessarily know what was happening to me when I started that relationship, but I had the support of those I love. Change is possible and it is a choice. It is okay to trust that what we once thought was right for us, is no longer true. We are ever evolving. Allow yourself to trust that you can reinvent yourself, and enter an new chapter at any age.
Ionna’s Five Favorite Things
These are the best lashes but without the commitment and upkeep.
I read this book, Verity, by Colleen Hoover in one day, and it was the perfect romantic yet suspenseful book I’ve read.
I have this lip balm from Summer Friday in my purse at all times and it smells amazing!
I just recently got into shooting film photography. If anyone is looking for suggestions I love my camera!
My guiding mantra for 2022: Invest back in yourself and you’ll never regret it!
Resources to Consider
Immediate help is available for you or someone else you know that may be in an abusive relationship. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 at any time of the day or night. English, Spanish and 200+ other languages are available through interpretation service. You can also text START to 88788.
This is a great list of resources by state for women suffering from abuse.
Click here to get immediate assistance for a dating abuse helpline. Love is respect.
This Healthline resource guide is thorough and complete. Each year, more than 10 million men and women experience domestic violence.
UN Women published an important piece about the “shadow pandemic: violence against women during covid-19.”
With gratitude,
Ionna Price
P.S. When we are gentle with ourselves, releasing toxic patterns, and when we trust our choices.
Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I appreciate your vulnerability. There's so much here about making the space for yourself to be powerful. It's something that, at almost 40, I'm still learning about! I'll carry your words and story with me today. Thank you!