Letter 174: The Net Below
"It’s about people coming together to see one another and love deeply."
I learned how to play tennis on a concrete basketball/makeshift tennis court in the middle of my tiny timber town in Idaho (To be fair, the population got slightly larger on Friday nights when the loggers came into town to spend their paychecks.).
My mom taught me to play when I was eight, just as her mom had taught her. My grandmother, a feisty, whip-smart, no-nonsense woman, had been a junior women’s tennis champion from Kalamazoo, Michigan, in the 1930s. Her upbringing had been difficult, and I imagine she used the tennis court as an escape to a quieter world.
What I remember from those early days was my parents running me around the court, and I immediately locked in on the idea that I could beat them at something. I don’t know if it was necessarily the tennis I was hooked on or the thrill of being better than my parents at something.
I played tennis in high school, then off and on for the next two decades (playing less when the boys were really little). But suddenly, in 2017, when Mark, the boys, and I found ourselves living in an entirely different part of the country, knowing no one, I found a new community through my old standby: tennis.
We moved to the Memphis area in August, and by September, I started playing at a clinic in the local park, then found a USTA league and was playing regular matches by October.
With the move, I was a fish out of water, having left a full-time teaching career, an incredible group of friends and colleagues, and all of our family within driving distance. I realize now that tennis was the net that caught me during that jarring time.
Subcultures are such a curious rabbit hole. Bowling leagues, mahjong groups, running clubs, scrapbooking circles, quilt clubs—so many of us belong to these unique collectives of people finding new avenues to explore ourselves and others and escape the treadmill of daily life.
For tennis players specifically, we find that the sport pushes us to deep places, both physically and emotionally, but I often say that tennis at this age isn’t really about what happens on the court; it’s about the people.
What I discovered was an army of incredibly passionate, driven, joyous women who drop everything to be by one another’s side for each of life’s moments. A cancer diagnosis, a partner’s death, the birth of a baby or grandbaby, and more birthday celebrations than I can count. It’s about people coming together to see one another and love deeply.
The tennis strategy and eventual wins, the on-court camaraderie, the skill development and advancement, the heart rate spiking—these are secondary wins. Our subcultures bring us more than we imagined possible.
Just last weekend, Anita and I celebrated her birthday with two other friends on the court. We played three vigorous sets of tennis and after nearly three hours, sat down to eat lunch, shower Anita with new books and laugh a lot.
A man had been sitting courtside on the baseline, eating his lunch.
After we sat down, he came over to our table and mentioned, “I don’t mean to bother you, but I have to tell you how much fun I had watching you play tennis. I could tell the four of you were having the best time and just enjoying yourselves—that you were just good friends doing something you love. This is exactly what tennis is all about in my opinion.”
I’ve been thinking about his comment ever since. What he described is exactly what all four of us felt in the moment and is the reason we stay with a sport that is often grueling, emotionally exhausting, and frustratingly challenging. But we keep coming back for more because of the people we get to do it with and because of what it brings out in us. It’s addicting and cathartic all at the same time.
I often wonder about others’ subcultures, just as I think about tennis. How do other people both find their people and get lost in the wonder, joy and exhilaration of their activity? It makes me feel hopeful that we can all find our own escape and meet the people we need to meet along the way.
With gratitude,
Molly
P.S. What’s your subculture? What has it taught you?
I love this!! I think it speaks to the myth that American culture tells us about fulfillment coming from the one-on-one relationship with a spouse or significant other. Sure, that's a source of fulfillment, but if that's our ultimate and final (which it can't be), we're missing on a breadth of important relationships and sources of meaning through a variety of avenues. Someone needs us and we need them!
It's brave to move away from all the things that you love and find familiar. Being able to connect with people through sports, books or any other subculture of life really eases some of the uncertainty of a big change. I, for one, have used tennis many times to get out there in a new environment and it delivers every time!