Letter 15: Be Curious

When we just ask

I first heard about Kristi long before we actually met in person. Several people mentioned, “Oh you need to meet this girl. You two would really get along!” Since we are both competitive tennis players, we circled each other, always hearing about the other, but we didn’t actually meet for quite some time. When we finally did meet, it wasn’t across the net, but rather fortunately, side-by-side as teammates. Amazing at tennis, but even better at friendship, Kristi is a rock of a woman. She’s firm in her convictions, steady in her support of others and she goes out of her way to take care of her people. I’m always thankful to have Kristi in my corner. One who shares her heart freely and openly, Kristi has a beautiful, inclusive way with words. I am so thankful for her brave heart and her willingness to share it here with us. — Molly

“Be curious, not judgmental”

Walt Whitman

Every year on April 3 we celebrate my husband’s Alive Day. 

On April 3, 2007, he was shot through the left eye while on duty with the U.S. Army in Iraq, but he survived. This day is important to me, a bedrock of thankfulness that deserves to be celebrated, and we celebrate BIG. My husband is not one for theatrics, but we go for it anyway. In 2020, I hopped on the car parade bandwagon, surprising my husband when nearly the entire town showed up with posters and American flags to show their love and support. I was in tears, so moved by the love and support.

He was grouchy.

Then I became annoyed.

Do you ever do that dance with your partner, the I’m-mad-that-you’re-mad dance? That was us for a few hours until I started asking questions. After some digging, he helped me to understand that someone died next to him that day, and while we are throwing a party, there is a family in mourning. It was not about me being under-appreciated, or him not liking the attention. It was about acknowledging that there are two sides to every story and that one person’s miracle can be another person’s pain.

Jesse and his parents in 2007, and 10 years later in 2017

After that day we agreed to no more big shows for Alive Day, but to celebrate privately and reach out to the surviving family of the soldier that gave his life. For 10 years I have been trying to make my husband feel loved by going bigger and better on Alive Day, and in the span of just a few hours my paradigm shifted completely.

By replacing my assumptions with questions, my judgments melted into compassion.

I can’t help but think that in a world so divided, in a society that hurls opinions from behind a screen, that we would all do well to live by Walt Whitman’s rule: Be curious, not judgmental. If we could just ask instead of assuming, if we could attempt to listen instead of shouting to be heard, I think the world would change.

I have spent my life not following this rule. I am guilty of listening just long enough to get the next word in, and living with a level of resentment for people that “just don’t get it.” Still though, as I get older am more curious, and this newfound curiosity has saved me in many situations:

• A good friend was not responding to my calls or texts. Initially, I thought she had written me off, but when I gave her space and asked, I learned her dad had just been diagnosed with cancer.

• My 20-year-old niece (who is more like a sister) did not bother to even get out of bed when I went home to visit. I sat down to talk to her about it and she told me about her battle with massive anxiety and her avoidance of social situations.

• After watching my nine-year-old completely overreact and lash out against his younger brother again and again one afternoon, I finally decided on inquiry instead of punishment. He told me someone at school said a horrible thing about his mom and that he was guilt-ridden over not defending me.

When we start to get curious, we open a bridge between ourselves and other people. We all see life through our own eyes, and we are limited to that view. Two people can experience the same event, be in the same relationship, or hear the same words and have wildly different understandings of what just happened.

We don’t know what we don’t know, but before we live in offense, we can ask. That is my encouragement to you today: Be a student instead of a judge. Ask one question past your assumption, and then another. I think you’ll find that most people are just out there doing the best they can to make sense of the world around them and that you aren’t so different after all.

My 5 Favorite Things:

• The Eternal Current is a book that blew my mind. After moving to the South my eyes were opened to just how hypercritical and harsh Christians can be to each other, but this book helped me gain an appreciation for tradition and progression and forced me to take a look inward at the source of my own core beliefs.

• Warby Parker blue light glasses. They will send you a box with your favorite styles to try on at home for free so that you can pick your favorite. 

• Benjamin Moore Pale Oak paint. If you are like me, you go back and forth a hundred times trying to pick a paint color. Pale Oak has been my go-to for the past year and I love how clean and creamy it looks. In certain lights, it looks beige, and in others, it is more of a warm gray.

• YNAB budgeting tool and a monthly budget meeting with your partner. YNAB software is easy to use, connects to your bank account, and helps you think about your priorities in a way that does not feel like a prison sentence.

• The Read-Aloud Revival is an incredible resource for any parent looking to make meaningful connections and bring more peace into their home. Sarah Mackenzie has extensive, free resources and delightful anecdotes about the power of reading aloud to your kids. 

In gratitude,

Kristi Rice

P.S. Have you ever had to pause and “be curious” about a situation? Did it change you in any way? Share with us below in the comments.