Letter 146: Breaking the Cycle

When we empower our kids

May 14, 2025

Today our student social media manager, Kate, introduces us to her mom, Betsy Robinson, one of the fiercest, funniest, most loving mothers out there. Betsy is crystal clear about what she wants for her kids (love, independence, confidence) and what she does not want (addiction, generational trauma). Her no bullshit approach to parenting is so refreshing and Kate reminds all of us that kids can and should do hard things.—Anita

There are many words I could use to describe my mom: hilarious, badass, resilient, gentle, inspiring, and most of all strong. If I am to become half as strong as my mom, I will have reached a success of which I am proud. But she is determined to do everything in her power so that I do not have to be as strong as she is.

My mom’s main goal as a parent is to break the cycle of generational trauma. Her parenting strategy empowers my two older brothers and me to believe we are capable of anything. She raises us, but she does not do the building - we do. She believes in us, therefore we believe in ourselves.

I recently wrote a research paper about the importance of knowing one’s generational history and how it translates into self-identity. One of my main arguments was that past and present generations are in a constant dialogue. They are fluid. The past can be perpetuated or it can be changed based on how one chooses to progress. For my mom, this meant not enabling my brothers and me to follow the same path of our family’s history, but empowering us to break the generational cycle of addiction.

As she grew up, my mom watched the cycle of addiction in her grandparents, her mom, her brother, and even for a short time, in herself. My uncle died of generational alcoholism when I was 5. My mom saw the negative effects of enabling during his lifetime. She realized that when one is constantly rescued, one does not know how to show up for themselves. This leads to a lack of self-esteem, confidence, and belief in oneself. My mom saw that this enabling led my uncle into an addictive cycle from which he could not escape. She vowed to break the cycle for my brothers and me. For a long time she thought this felt instinctual for her, but she realized that she has actively parented in a way to avoid enabling us to follow that path.

The four stages of enabling include:

1. Caretaking. This involves taking on a nurturing role in a relationship and doing one's best to meet the needs of the enabled person. In this case, enablers believe that by providing consistent care they can keep their partner/loved one from harm.

2. Protecting. Protective enablers act as shields, preventing their loved ones from facing the consequences of their actions. They often step in to spare them from discomfort or adversity, even if it means covering up mistakes or unlawful behavior.

3. Rescuing. Rescuing enablers rush to the rescue whenever problems arise. They have a strong desire to prevent others from experiencing hardship or failure, so they intervene regularly.

4.Overcompensating. Enablers who overcompensate tend to take on excessive responsibilities and tasks supposed to belong to the person they're supporting. They feel compelled to make up for the other persons shortcomings, sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

When my eldest brother started showing signs of addiction in his early teens, my parents had no tolerance for it. They understood that my brother had to pick himself up, they couldn’t do that for him. They did not rush to rescue him when problems arose, but they did intervene. They proposed a wilderness therapy program in Utah for nine weeks; he did not fight. When he fell down, they did not pick him up and walk for him. They threw him a rope and he had to make the choice to take it. By doing this, they did not enable him to rely on them, but it enabled him to build a foundational confidence in his own strengths. He was able to learn what he was capable of. Today, he is thriving.

My mom’s devotion to empowerment is not exclusive to the cycle of addiction. It has become an everyday occurrence. Whenever someone asks my mom for advice on parenting strategy, her constant answer is, “I’m a lazy mom.” I think active is a better term. She calls herself “lazy” because she doesn’t feel the need to do things for us that she knows we are capable of. She has actively trained us to be self-sufficient so that she does not have to constantly be holding our hands. She actively avoids the overcompensation stage of enabling in order to empower us, and set us up for success. Yet, somehow, she sees herself as “lazy”.

An example of this is seen in the mere mundanities of our everyday lives. My brothers and I do our own laundry, make our own lunches, breakfasts, and snacks, we get ourselves to and from school, we take care of our grades, we make our own spending money, etc.

By giving us these tasks with the full confidence that we are capable of doing them, her confidence transfers to us. This builds our self-esteem. This confidence then transfers to other areas of our lives. When things get hard, we believe in our ability to get through them.

That being said, our parents are always there when we need them; we have sit-down dinners nightly, frequent family outings, constant conversation partners, and two built-in best friends. We do not hesitate to ask for their help. This is yet another thing my mom has instilled in us; we’re strong on our own, but we can still ask for help. Help is always there.

Most importantly, she does not solve our problems for us. If we need her, she will be there instantly, but only as an aid, once again reminding us that we are capable of anything. She believes we can, therefore we know we can. The assurance that my brothers and I have taken from this is exactly what was needed to break the cycle of generational trauma. It gives us self esteem, responsibility for ourselves, and an ability to problem solve. We are strong because she believes we are. But I do not have to be as strong as her, because her strength has rooted in experiences I won’t ever know, and now the cycle is broken.

In the wake of Mother’s Day, I wanted to make this letter a note of recognition and gratitude. Nothing that she does goes unnoticed. I invited my brothers to pitch in:

“She took me in at a time when I had nothing but uncertainty, and didn’t just give me a place to stay, but a sense of family, safety, and worth. Her kindness, strength, and tough love helped shape the person I’m becoming and I’ll carry her impact with me for the rest of my life.” — Ibra, my “brother from another mother” as my mom would say. He lived with us during his senior year of high school.

“We are so proud of her for pushing us to be so self-sufficient that she could work full-time in a job that fulfills her. Further allowing us to see her as a person outside of being our mother. Love you, Mom.” – Harris, my middle brother

“You’ve done something extraordinary, Mom. You broke the cycle. You chose love, growth, and compassion over bitterness and blame—and because of that, I grew up with a mom who was present, patient (even when I made it really hard), and unshakably loving. I know that wasn’t easy, and I will never stop being grateful. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, softer than you let on, and more loved than you’ll ever fully realize.” —Jack, my eldest brother

Thank you, Mom. What a badass!

Kate’s 5 Favorite Things:

My mom recommends the show Bad Sisters (AppleTV+) so whole-heartedly that she has rewatched it four times with each one of us. It is full of the strength of sibling bonds and intelligently hilarious. A must watch.
Greta Gerwig’s 2019 version of Little Women is my definition of a comfort movie. I have watched this movie more times than I could count. It is perfect for every season, every mood, and every setting. Somehow, I have seen it enough to know monologues by heart, but I still find something new with each watch.
Ibra just gifted my mom a weighted blanket for Mother’s Day as a symbol of the comfort and safety she provided him. Thank you Ibra!
If you don’t already have a weighted, heated, stuffed animal, here’s the link. It’s a must have. (Especially for a Little Women or Bad Sisters movie night with a weighted blanket.) They make great gifts for any age!
Every morning on a special occasion, my mom makes a giant Dutch baby pancake. We sprinkle it with lemon juice and powdered sugar. The secret ingredient is a dash of nutmeg in the batter. It tastes like birthdays, holidays, and celebrations.

In gratitude,

Kate Robinson

P.S. We’ve had so many powerful letters about motherhood throughout the years. Em Flem’s Letter 95: Nuanced Motherhood is an important one that continues to resound.