Letter 136: Shifting Perspectives

When we focus on what carries us

Nov 27, 2024

Another year is quickly coming to a close, and the three of us are looking forward to rest and quiet over the holidays. As our regular readers know, this will be our final letter of the year, and we will rejoin you with our next letter in early January.

Without further ado, we close 2024 with three vignettes from each of us, contemplating this season and what this year has meant. Have a wonderful holiday, and we’ll see you in 2025!

Molly, Anita & Kate

“Keep some room in your heart for the Unimaginable”
—Mary Oliver

Molly

For last year’s Thanksgiving, my husband made his incredible homemade pizza. When I tell people this story, they do a doubletake and often gasp.

A few weeks before the November 2023 holiday, we chose a nontraditional route for the meal. This decision resulted from our boys eating the turkey, maybe some mashed potatoes (and about five rolls a piece). For the next five days, my husband and I were drowning in salads, side dishes and leftover turkey.

Choosing to have homemade pizza meant we had a wonderful dinner and most of the day to relax, walk, read our books and settle in for a chill holiday. While I did miss many of the side dishes, the realization that celebrating the day, relaxing and doing things more low-key was precisely what we needed that year.

I also realized that once in a while, we need to do things differently.

Ryan peeked out just before we dove in last year!

Choosing a more leisurely meal of homemade pizza and salad (and, of course, dessert—we aren’t heathens!) didn’t mean our boys wouldn’t still have memories of a special dinner; it didn’t mean that we would never again have turkey and classic side dishes; it didn’t mean that we couldn’t share our gratitude for the year and what we learned.

It meant we realized there was no one way to do something. Just because we break tradition one year, we can always go back the following year. And who knows, maybe we will start a new tradition.

Some years are about pivoting and just changing plans.

Other plans changed this year. Anita and Kate came on board to help with The Learning Curve, and I couldn’t be happier to have their help and hear new voices. This year, I also learned more about the value of resting and started saying “no” a lot more. We continue to learn, don’t we?

We can gain lasting insights by choosing a different path or slowing down to try something new. We just have to be willing to try.

Anita

Like many families, we have a tradition at Thanksgiving dinner for each person at the table to recite at least one thing for which they are grateful. You are not required to participate, yet I can’t remember when someone opted out….especially because “good food” is a perfectly acceptable answer. Often, there are tears as someone recalls a special person or acts of kindness or recognizes their incredible good fortune to be surrounded, supported, and loved by our perfectly imperfect family and friends. Sometimes the tears flow simply because we are all together at the table. Sometimes it’s the wine. And once one of us is crying, we are all crying. And soon after that, we are all laughing that we are crying….and so on, and so on.

My husband and I have been celebrating Thanksgiving together for 32 years. Our first Thanksgiving was in a college apartment with friends. The turkey came out of the oven partially frozen and raw, but that didn’t matter. There were still mashed potatoes. We had a blast.

Many, many years later, we have four young adult “kids,” the youngest of which is a senior in high school and is getting ready to launch. And so this is probably the last Thanksgiving where we will have a “kid” living with us year-round. It’s hard to write that. My in-laws will join us, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, and some very dear family friends—seventeen in all. My husband will post his cooking schedule, the “kids” will dutifully report for their cooking shifts, my mother-in-law will clean and straighten while we tell her to stop, and the tables will be set. Did I mention that my husband ADORES Thanksgiving, plans for months, and cooks everything but desserts? Around 4 pm, our family will start to get ready, and our beautiful friends will arrive. Wine and Martinelli’s will flow…and eventually, the tears and the laughter.

We are far from a Hallmark family. I will be working on steering conversation away from politics and seating people strategically to keep the peace and increase the fun. Normally, I love a good policy debate. Just not on this night. Like our first turkey, our feelings are too raw. Instead, we’ll focus on what will help carry us through this next year: love and gratitude.

Kate

Recently, the phrase, “I am safe; it’s only change,” has been at the forefront of my mind. Amidst seasons changing, to plans changing, to my own self changing (as one always is), I live in a world where change is inevitable. I have been both terrified and comforted by that fact, but despite whatever change I come across, there is one thing that I will always have: me. And I am merely a stained glass portrait of all the people I’ve loved.

So, how could I ever be truly alone?

My two brothers have been on different continents for the past six months. One is running my great-uncle’s hotel in the Lake District of England, and the other is studying abroad in Sydney, Australia. I have been familiar with being away from them since they moved to college and beyond.

Yet, even when they are a world away, I am still connected through their engravings on my identity. I am my brothers’ sister in so many ways. Physically, we share the features of our parents, but, under the surface, I am tough, independent, and stubborn. However, I am also soft, appreciative, and special because I grew up as their sister.

With the holidays approaching, and as I see all the people I love from a distance, I understand the phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder " in a deeper sense. Although this change has been painfully bittersweet, I am constantly reminded that those I am connected with will forever be a part of me—as long as I am me. Therefore, I devote myself to being and loving myself unconditionally as I love those around me.

I am grateful to be me this Thanksgiving because I am a stained glass portrait of personality.

Our Team’s 5 Favorite Things:

I’ve removed all the black cooking utensils in our home and researched new alternatives. I ordered a few pieces from Earlywood in Montana, and they are incredible. And they would make the perfect gifts! —Molly
My son, Peter, inherited my sweet tooth and has taken over the baking in our house. This is what he’s planning to make for Thursday’s dessert. I can’t wait. —Molly
I recently visited my daughter Juliana in NYC. Late one night, we were in our PJs, lying on her bed chatting away, when I realized I was the only one chatting. I look over, and to my surprise/horror, her mouth is TAPED shut! I immediately reached over and removed the tape. Tape removed and life saved, she explained to me through giggles that she wanted the tape over her mouth because it helped her sleep better. Apparently, it’s a thing. She swears by these. —Anita
Molly and Kate both know that this Costco knock-off sweatshirt is absolutely one of my favorite things. I bought one for each of them and one for each of my daughters. You’re welcome. —Anita
I love to experiment with different recipes when baking. Most recently, I’ve played around with a pumpkin muffin recipe. This is my base, but I’ve learned that adding 100g of sourdough starter, one less egg, and putting a cup of water in the oven when baking makes them super moist and fluffy! —Kate

In gratitude,

Molly, Anita & Kate

P.S. Emily Fleming’s beautiful end-of-year gratitude piece (Letter 111) and Emily Paine Smith’s beautiful words about pausing and resting (Letter 77).