Letter 129: Embracing Both/And

When we learn to accept both

I love reading what Nicole shares because she gets to the heart of the matter. She’s direct, honest, and forthright. Her letter today is a battle cry for so many teachers across our country, and I think it’s important that more teachers like Nicole speak up and share their hearts. What she shares here about “both/and” is also a valuable lesson for us all—as we know, most things aren’t typically black and white. When struggling next with something difficult, consider how “both/and” helps you work through the bigger questions and come out the other side. —Molly

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In May, I sat in my classroom surrounded by books and paper and glue sticks. The sight was chaotic, per usual, as the last days of a school year are usually spent cleaning out closets and cubbies and seat sacks full of misplaced assignments and lost supplies. However, this year was different. Instead of a “See you until August” goodbye, I was saying a “See you maybe never” goodbye to my classroom and my career as an educator. 

I expected these final days to feel exciting and freeing, as this past school year (and let’s be honest, most school years) has been exhausting, full of difficult student attitudes, phone calls from unhappy parents, and overwhelming academic needs. But I was surprised to feel an immense sense of grief and anger. 

Grief because this is not how I imagined my life to go. I never imagined doing anything else besides being a teacher. I enjoy many aspects of this job—building relationships with students, seeing them grow into brave and creative individuals, wacky dress-up days at least once a month, and, let’s not forget, the long breaks throughout the year.

However, over the past year, I have reflected on the ways that teaching has impacted my life outside of school. I often left the day feeling drained of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Finding the desire to do things after work was a struggle. Despite leaving school work at school, the toll that it takes each day didn’t feel worth it to me anymore. 

One of my favorite days from the last school year - my nephew visiting my classroom & my students treating him like a king.

The anger has been a little more difficult for me to unpack. I think it mostly stems from years of being overworked and underappreciated. It also stems from my feelings toward our education system, which doesn't seem to have students’ or teachers’ best interests at heart. 

These tidal waves of emotions caught me off guard, but they made me think of something my therapist often reminds me—a theme that recurs in our sessions time and time again: things don’t have to be all or nothing.

In this season, I’ve been learning and relearning the idea of “both/and.” They can be sprinkles of many different thoughts and feelings all at once. It makes sense that I would be feeling so many different things, and that is okay, even normal! Things won’t fit in a neatly packed box to be stored on a shelf. Life’s experiences, especially unexpected ones, carry so many nuances, which leads to a spectrum of emotions. 

My permanent reminder of this season’s life lesson (much to my mother’s dismay)

I am BOTH sad about choosing to walk away from being an educator AND excited to experience a new career in a new field. 

I am BOTH frustrated that a career as a teacher doesn’t pay me enough to feel like my hard work is compensated AND grateful for the priceless memories and experiences that I have had during my years in the classroom.

I am BOTH bummed to leave my current coworkers who I now call dear friends AND hopeful to gain new friends at my new job. 

To anyone who has stayed in a difficult career, still fighting for change, I appreciate you and I'm cheering you on. To anyone who has walked away from a career that doesn’t serve them anymore, I see you and I am proud of your courage to choose yourself. And for those of you who feel like they are caught in a whirlwind of emotions—your feelings are valid and you are not alone!

Nicole’s 5 Favorite Things:

• This tinted moisturizer is perfect for summer - lightweight with SPF 

• I loved this book of a therapist’s recap of her most impactful patients and their stories. It reminded me of the resilience and bravery of humans 

• I’ve been obsessed with these Pure Protein chips. They’re a great way to get in some extra protein with the crunch of a potato chip!

• Run, don’t walk, to pick up the seasonal Jalapeno Limeade from Trader Joe’s. It makes the perfect mocktail or cocktail depending on your preference!

• I’ve been in my tennis skirt era this summer and this skirt from Amazon is super comfy and comes in so many colors!

In gratitude,

Nicole Van de Vuurst

P.S. Jessica shares here what she learned about accepting uncertainty and finding her way through unexpected changes.